For Some Reason
by toyhto
Summary: Remus has got a girlfriend and Sirius realizes that he finds Remus dating someone quite annoying. It's totally normal, anyway, isn't it? They're best friends, after all. Sirius/Remus.
1. The Beginning

**Disclaimer: **These characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I'm not trying to make any profit from this.

**A/N: **For a long time I've wanted to write a longish story about Sirius and Remus realizing that there's something else than friendship going on between them… I'd be so happy to get any reviews!

-----------------

**  
Chapter 1: The Beginning**

I can admit it. It was weird at first, seeing Remus falling for that girl, beginning to talk like he had been interested in everything she said, and beginning to stare at her in the lessons even though he had always been so focused on studying. I guess the weird part was that before it had been me and James who were after girls. Of course, in quite different ways. James had had that obsession of his like thousands of years, all the way from when we were thirteen years old and Lily Evans got mad at him and hit him with a pumpkin. James had had a few non-serious girlfriends, but all the time he had been thinking about Lily Evans. And I had made a list of Hogwarts' prettiest girls and made my best to try them all. "Trying" didn't usually involve anything more than talking to a girl a few times and some snogging, and to be honest my list had been quite short in the first place, but I was doing something, anyway.

Remus was different. In fact he was more like Peter, who had been dating Melissa Abbot for almost a year before they both got bored, except the fact that Remus had never showed an interest to any girl. Before Sarah, of course. It's not my fault that I got surprised, when he fancied that brown-haired girl that was Gryffindor and a year younger than we, quite a nice girl in the end, but Remus fancying a girl? Remus trying to hit on a girl? Remus beginning to date a girl?

'Padfoot?'

I blinked. James was watching me a suspicious look on his face. I saw Peter trying to hide his Potion book under his bed.

'What?'

'Nothing', James said still staring at me. 'Just thinking. You looked like you were somewhere else, like in Spain at least. Or Moon. Are you coming?'

I nodded. It was the first Friday since we had come back to Hogwarts for seventh year and there was no option. We were going to go to Hogsmeade, enjoy the abilities being seventeen brought, stay 'till midnight, drink a few fire whiskeys until we all would be wasted and then come back.

'Where's Moony?' I asked.

'Not coming.' James grinned. 'He's gone to the common room for Sarah, I guess, and I'm quite sure they've got enough to do. You know, they haven't seen each other since July.

'He's not coming to Hogsmeade?' I repeated, hating the tone my voice had taken. 'With us?'

James shrugged. The glance he threw at me was quite sharp. 'He's in love, Pads. I can't claim that I wouldn't prefer spending the night with Lily if I had a chance. He'll come with us some other day.'

'Yeah, I don't care. Good for him.' I changed my robe to a pullover and jeans. 'Warmtail, are you ready?'

'I can't find my shoes', Peter said.

'I'm quite sure you left one to bathroom.'

'Why would I - oh, I guess you're right. Thanks, Prongs.'

'He'll come with us next time', James said when the door closed behind us.

-----------------

'Any girls on sight, Pete?' James' voice was probably quite loud, but I don't know if anyone cared. It was almost eleven at night and "Three Broomsticks" was almost empty, anyway. We couldn't bother anyone. I leaned over the table to grab a new bottle of fire whiskey to wash away a feeling that everyone else was hiding somewhere behind the closed curtains.

'Not really', Peter said. He had always had surprisingly good ability to drink and still maintain his thoughts quite clear. I'm quite sure his eyes were still quite sharp unlike James', even though I surely wasn't the right person to observe who was sober and who wasn't. 'I've been watching that Ravenclaw girl, anyway. You know, two years younger than we, quite tall, red hair.'

'The thick one', James said surprisingly seriously. 'I guess I know who you're speaking of. What's her name? Mary? Marie?'

'Maria, I guess.'

'Well, that's just great. You have her.'

Peter shrugged. 'Let's see. It's not like I've got on obsession to her or anything.'

James frowned. 'Was that trying to be an insult? Because if it was, I can assure you that I'm not insulted at all. Lily Evans has smiled to me twice in a week and that's the new record. She'll fall for me before October.'

'Is she talking to you again?' Peter asked sounding surprised. 'After the last spring?'

'It was an accident', James claimed loudly. 'Those roses were supposed to follow her, not… try to catch her. And I hadn't been thinking about thorns. And I apologized like, well, thousands of times. And I guess she liked it, anyway.'

'Liked having to go to the Hospital Wing to get off all those thorns?' I raised my eyebrow. 'Sounds to me that Evans has some issues with her mental health.'

'Shut up, dog', James said. 'And how're you, anyway? Pete's, got a girl, Remus has definitely got a girl. I'm gonna marry Lily Evans before Christmas. How about you? Any birds you're fancying?'

I grabbed a bottle and enjoyed the warm feeling in my throat. And in my head. 'No. One of us has to maintain sane.'

'Don't worry', Peter said in a serious voice. 'I'm not gonna fall for anyone, either. Maria is just a nice one to watch.'

'With that ass of hers', James added.

'In fact I think I'm done with girls for now', I said suddenly, not sure where the thought had came. 'No offense, but I'm getting enough of them when I hear you speaking of your Evans, Prongs. And Moony's eyes when he's looking at that bird of his... Besides, I've been snogging all the best girls already.'

'Second time is always better', James said. He looked like he hadn't known what he was talking about. Literally.

'Thanks but no thanks.' I took a deep breath. I was beginning to be a little tired. Maybe I should just buy one more fire whiskey. 'Or maybe Susie Thomas. She was quite nice. You know, the one I actually dated a year ago. The one with reddish hair and the boobs.'

'I used to dream of her', Peter said. Well, he wasn't apparently as sober as I had thought he was.

'I kind of miss her', I kept on. 'Maybe I should ask her out.'

'I have to marry Lily before the war begins', James said in low voice that made both me and Peter freeze with our hands holding half-full glasses.

'James, don't talk about it', I said harsly. 'This is our first Friday night. It's bad enough that Moony's left us.'

'But it's true', James said. 'It's coming. I know it, you know it, Pete knows it. My dad's working hell lot more than he used to and if I ask my mom about it, she tells nothing. One neighbor of us went for a holiday and now no one knows where he's. I'm not a fool, Padfoot.'

'Not now, Prongs', I said. 'Fucking war. I wanna have Moony here.'

---------------------

I almost fell asleep before he came. James had gone straight to the bed, or at least he had tried. His upper torso was leaning against the bed, but his feet were still on the floor. Me and Peter had tried to make him move, but he had already fallen asleep, and neither of us really cared. Now Peter was snoring, but I couldn't help staying awake. Remus' bed was empty. Was he still in the common room and why hadn't we seen him? Where else could he be? Doing Sarah in her own bed? For the first time I was almost glad that we couldn't get to girls' dormitories.

I recognized steps far before he reached the door. Remus was always walking like he had been a little scared or at least suspecting that somebody might be spying on him or following him. I never asked why he did that, and I guess he wouldn't have known, either. When the door opened and he stepped inside, I took a deep breath and let the short burst of laughter come out of my throat.

'Padfoot?' Remus asked, hesitating, but I clearly heard the joy from his voice. 'You're awake?' A short pause. 'Why the heck is James sleeping on the floor?'

Well, he had probably fallen. 'He was in bed half an hour again. Or, at least he was almost in bed.'

Remus sighed. 'And what're you doing awake? Waiting for me?'

I wondered if he was right. 'Maybe. Where were you? We couldn't see you in the common room. How did you get to her dormitory?'

'I couldn't. We were just walking.'

'Walking?'

'Around the corridors.' He was smiling. He so was smiling. It was too dark to see, but I could imagine the expression on his face. 'How was Hogsmeade?'

'Better than ever. Bad luck you abandoned us. What's so great in the corridors that you have to wander there when you could be in your warm, nice common room?'

'Well, I've been thinking that a few times myself. Especially when you and James get your stupid ideas of going to test Filch's nerves in the middle of the night for no reason.'

'That's not the point. Are you sleeping with her?'

I heard him sit down to his bed. He was breathing a little too heavily. I smiled to the ceiling which I couldn't see clearly. Remus Lupin was such a lost case.

'How did you know?'

'I'm your best friend. I'm supposed to know. Was this the first time?'

'Yeah.' Remus sounded like he was hesitating. 'Sirius, I know that kind of things mean nothing to you, but it's not the same for me. Could you please be kind and not to mention anything to the others?'

'What do you mean, it means nothing to me?'

'Sirius.'

'Okay, I won't tell them. It's a promise. Now tell me what you meant.'

He was hesitating, I could sense it. 'You've done it many times. And you keep talking about it… about sex… with James and Peter like it's nothing too serious, but guess what? I was scared to hell.'

'Why? Was she pushing you or something?' I felt the angry push of blood going washing through my veins. 'Remus, listen to me. We won't disapprove you even though you wouldn't like to fuck your girlfriend.'

He laughed. 'You still aren't sober, Padfoot. Your brain isn't really working. No, she wasn't pushing me. I wanted to. I don't know if you can get it, but I haven't got your self-confidence.'

'But it was good, anyway?'

I sensed the smile. 'Yeah. A little awkward at first, I mean, she hadn't done it before, either, and we were just two fools trying to manage with something we knew nothing about… but in the end it was fine.'

'Fine? You've fucked a girl for the first time and it was just fine?'

'She's not just a girl, she's Sarah. She's got a name, Sirius.' Suddenly Remus sounded quite tired. 'Are you saying that it should have been perfect?'

'No. Don't care about me. I had to spent too many hours with James and Peter only. Next time you've got to come with us.'

'I'm sorry about tonight', he said. 'I would have come, unless - '

'Unless you didn't have a beautiful, smart girlfriend to shag', I said. 'James said something like that, although I guess he was talking about Evans, not Sarah.'

'Well, I hope he gets Lily in the end', Remus said slowly. 'And that you get someone, too, Sirius. You should have a proper girlfriend. One you'd fall for. It makes quite a difference.'

'Mission impossible. And if James gets her girl, someone has to keep sense in his mind.'

'Peter's doing it. You can fall in love.'

'Peter's after that Maria from Ravenclaw.'

Remus smiled. 'Well, good for him. Sirius, I'm falling asleep. I couldn't imagine how tired it's to…'

'Don't you even try. You just want to fall asleep soon and get dreaming all those dirty dreams of yours.'

'Right. Good night.'

It took twenty minutes for him to fall asleep. I heard him breathe and decided I needed a girl. Not a girlfriend, but Susie Thomas and some snogging. Otherwise I could imagine feeling lonely if Remus got more attached to that girl.

----------------------

Operation Susie Thomas wasn't hard to make true. She had always been that kind of a girl who's not thinking too much and doesn't make things too hard by thinking too much. She was Hufflepuff and in a seventh grade as we, she had reddish blond hair, pretty little nose, sharp eyes and nice breasts. She was also smart, but in her case 'smart' didn't mean like Lily Evans' 'smart' but more like 'you can't fool me, I know that you just want to get some snogging and don't care a shite whether I live in Sheffield or Manchester'. As I said, I liked her.

I asked her out when I was looking for Moony in the library. Susie was reading something about Magical Creatures, I guess it was for school but I didn't really want to know that much. I just walked to her, greeted her and asked, if she went to a date with me.

'Where?' she asked.

'I'll figure out something.'

'Will you?'

I shrugged. 'Do I have to?'

She smiled. 'Not really. After dinner? I can't now, I've got some homework to do.'

'Too bad.'

'You've been waiting for a year, you can wait for a little more time.'

'Sure', I said. She made a gesture of trying to get me to leave, and so I obeyed and almost forgot to look for Moony.

At the dinner I was looking at her and trying to see when she'd leave. James and Peter were looking at each other, but they didn't bother to say anything. James still looked a little nauseous, he made hard work trying not to stare at Evans all the time. And finally Susie got up and I followed him.

'It's been a year', she said when we walked towards, well, I don't really know where we were going.

'Yeah.'

'I won't fuck you.'

I nodded. 'Fine. Hell, James' still trying to hit on Evans and now it seems he's making some kind of progress. And Remus' got Sarah Jones, you probably know that already.'

She looked amused. 'Are you jealous to your friends?'

'Not really. But they're all about girls now. I had to do something.'

'Like hit on me.'

'Yeah.'

We catch a silent corner. I was still thinking Remus and where he had done it with Sarah - in the end I had forgotten to ask specific information - when Susie stopped. I kissed her and she tasted the same as always, same as the most girls do. I can't say anything accurate about that taste. It's just… a girl taste. I should probably ask Remus if he's noticed it, too.

'I dated someone', Susie said a few minutes later when we tried to catch our breath again. 'A Ravenclaw. It was last year, he was a year older. Michael.'

I hugged her and stroked her curly hair. 'But not anymore?'

'It just happened. I don't know why. I might have really liked him.'

'Too bad.' I smiled a little. 'Well, good for me. I'm not stealing you from anyone.'

'And I'm just stealing you from your friends', she said. 'To whom you're jealous because they've got girls and you don't.'

'Only Remus.'

'But you're scared that James' getting Lily.'

'Maybe.'

She rolled her eyes. I kissed her forehead and felt her fingertips traveling under my shirt.

'You know, Sirius, they won't forget you', she said in a low voice against my neck. 'One can love two persons at the same time.'

'How about four?'

Susie leaned against my shoulder and I hold her near. A few years younger Gryffindor boy walked the corridor and turned to glare at us over his shoulder, and I grinned at him wondering what the boy's name was.

Later that evening I was trying to decide if I had to cut my hair, when James came to the dormitory. It didn't took a second to realize that something had happened and that had probably something to do with Lily Evans. He was smiling broadly looking even more stupid than usually. After a few minutes he managed to tell me that he had asked Lily out and the girl had said that she would think about it.


	2. Friends and Secrets

**A/N: **Thanks a lot for reviews :) Here comes the second chapter, then...

--------------------

**Chapter 2: Friends and Secrets**

Remus Lupin was weird. There was no use trying to deny it: the boy was twelve and looked like his mom would have chosen all his clothes. Or, what was even worse, his grandmother. He had green shirts that made him look even whiter than otherwise and straight black trousers that were always as clean as McGonagall's table. Lupin didn't even have any jeans. Sirius and James had checked it out when he had been in the library. He had surely noticed what they had done, because his wardrobe hadn't been exactly too clean after the big search, but he never mentioned anything.

Sirius didn't know if he liked a boy or not. In the beginning he had hated him, of course. Lupin was half-blood. His mother's mother was a full Muggle. The heir of the noble family of Black wasn't supposed to be in any contact with people of that kind, even though because of some mistake he had ended living in the same house and same dormitory. That was what his mother had told. The Sorting Hat had done a mistake, but Sirius could prove it wrong.

Unfortunately, Sirius was just a boy, even though he was surely unusually arrogant boy. In three days he had began talking to James Potter and found out that even though all the Potters' were stupid and too fond of Muggles and not a proper family to have contacts with, James Potter was nice. He had messy black hair and brown eyes with a wicked smile in them. He had always some ideas of what to do next. Sirius' mother had probably just mistaken about James.

One of James' flaws was that he was quite friendly to anyone - or almost anyone, Severus Snape wasn't included to that group. That was a pro, because Sirius had known from the first moment he saw a black-haired boy that he was going to be an annoying prat. And Sirius had a good sense when it came to other people. Her mother had told him. All the Blacks had that.

Sirius had just began to think that he and James were friends when James had began talking to Peter Pettigrew. A short, quite fat boy hadn't been interesting at all, and Sirius had told James to stop talking to him, but James wouldn't listen to him and one day Sirius just realized that Peter went everywhere they did. They three were a group.

But then there was a boy called Remus Lupin: thin but quite tall half-blood with white skin and a weird scar on his left cheek. Lupin was silent as a cellar of Grimmauld Place and never bothered to say anything to anyone, unless somebody talked to him first. Sometimes Sirius wondered if the boy had been happier if he had been invisible. He looked like he would have wanted to be. But James, that fucking James of course said that Lupin was probably just shy and they should try to make him talk. Within a month Lupin had began talking to James. Sometimes he even started the conversation.

Sirius, anyway, kept the healthy distant between Lupin and himself. The boy was too strange. In the end, it took some blood and tears to make Sirius change his mind.

It had been a very boring lesson of History of Magic and Sirius had thought he would die from boredom. He had considered writing to her mom and telling her to make the headmaster send that stupid ghost called Binns away, but then he had decided not to. His mother had probably just answered him by sending a letter full of compliments about how he had ended up being a Gryffindor and began talking to the young Potter and everything else Sirius had read many times before. Besides, Binns had already died. He couldn't be so far away from dying again, could he?

Sirius was just walking away from the classroom thinking about all this, when he heard noise behind him. He had already reached the corridor with James and Peter, but two other boys turned immediately to glance at each other and then ran back to the classroom. Sirius rolled his eyes, but then somebody screamed like having being killed by that stupid squid that was living in the lake next to Hogwarts, and he got suddenly interested.

Sirius tried to see what was happening, but there were too many heads blocking the view, so he had to go forward. Fortunately he was quite tall for his age and when he got to the door, he could see quite well.

Remus Lupin was staring at his own hands that were covered with blood. The boy looked shocked. Sirius frowned. There was another boy, too, lying on the floor and mumbling something, or maybe he was weeping, Sirius didn't know. He wasn't so interested, either. Losers were not for him. But for some reason Remus Lupin had been in a fight and won it and that was enough to make Sirius wonder if James had been right about Lupin. Maybe Lupin was worth knowing.

They didn't see Lupin before the same evening, when he came to the common room from the Hospital Wing where his hand had apparently been repaired. Sirius was quite disappointed because of that. The blood in Lupin's hands had looked quite tough. Anyway, James and Peter were asking questions at the same moment when Lupin entered and Sirius didn't bother to look like he hadn't been interested, too.

Lupin didn't tell much. He just said that he had had a bad day and that Slytherin had been annoying and he had hit him before he had totally realized what he had been doing. It wasn't such good an explanation, but James and Peter were amazed. After that Sirius decided that avoiding Lupin was too tiring.

--------------

In fact it was just an unfortunate coincidence. Defence Against the Dark Arts didn't belong to Sirius' favorite subjects - well, there wasn't such a thing as his favorite subject, since there was something wrong with all of them - but James loved it and even bothered to listen during the classes. So when they were taught about Dark Creatures in third grade, James was concentrating hard and made notes and everything else stupid. In the evening he was sitting on his own bed and claiming that he wanted to find a Dark Creature.

'How?' asked Sirius suspiciously. James' ideas used to be interesting but impossible, and Sirius didn't want to waste time on them. 'Do you seriously think there's a werewolf or a vampire just hanging around here?'

'Well, the ministry doesn't let them come to Hogwarts', James said, 'but they have to be somewhere! Didn't you listen in the class? They're more common than we usually think. Don't you want to find one? Think about it! Think about how interesting it would be! They would be quite like human and still they monsters.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'I don't understand where you're getting your daft ideas from, Potter.'

'I'm just bored', James said eyeing his book. 'And what if ministry doesn't know about all of them? What if a vampire gets to Hogwarts? Imagine when one night you can't find Peter anywhere and then you see someone sucking his blood…'

Peter frowned. Sirius was just bored. He wanted to play Wizard Chess or sneak in the corridors or do something else sensible.

'Why don't you start by finding Lupin?' he asked. 'He's missing, you know.'

'He's probably in the library', James said without bothering to look at him. 'Or a werewolf. There could be werewolf eating Peter when we found him. Or it had already gone and we would just take Pete back to the dormitory and then the full moon would come and he would eat us all. What if that happens?'

Peter looked nauseous. 'James, I don't think I would like to eat you - '

'You wouldn't be same Pete then', James explained patiently. 'Werewolves aren't humans, don't you remember? We wouldn't be your friends. We would be just a meal.'

'I don't think he's in the library', Sirius said trying to get James to focus on something else, before Peter would vomit. 'Haven't you noticed? He has done it before. He just disappears and appears again in the morning and if we happen to ask something, he says his mother's ill and he had to go home.'

James frowned. 'I didn't know it was his mother. I thought he told his aunt Mary died.'

'Yeah, but he's missing about', Sirius tried to think, 'about once a month, I think. Have you ever thought about that?'

James rolled his eyes. 'Don't be stupid, Sirius. He surely has a good reason.'

'Well, probably. But we haven't got an idea what it is. Isn't that a little more interesting than some stupid werewolves somewhere far away from us?'

'They could be anywhere', James said, absent smile appearing to his face. 'You never know.'

'What are you saying?' Sirius sighed. James sure was impossible. 'That Lupin's one of them?'

'No, I - '

But James never finished his sentence. He got to his feet and walked to the window so slowly that Sirius began to think he was scared. Maybe the stupid boy was thinking he could see a werewolf glaring at him when he would open the curtains. Especially when they were in their own dormitory that happened to be located in the tower.

James had stopped to look at the sky. When he spoke, his voice was totally different. 'It's full moon now, Sirius.'

'What, are you scared? Hogwarts has some protection, Potter. No werewolf is going to come and eat you.'

James turned slowly to stare at him with a serious, frowned expression on his face. 'No. Think about it. You just… you said Remus disappears once in a month.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'Don't be stupid. You're overreacting.'

He waited that James would burst into a laughter with a little amount of disappointment on his face, because he hadn't managed to get Sirius laugh at his joke. But James just kept on staring at him seriously, brown eyes suddenly abnormally large and shocked.

Sirius swallowed. 'You aren't serious, are you?'

James turned to look at Peter, who had turned rather pale. 'Pete? Do you think Sirius is right? Does he disappear once a month? I've never really noticed… It's not like he's too loud when he's here…'

'I don't know', Peter said slowly. 'He disappears once in a while, that much I know, but I never thought it was regular. Anyway, I remember thinking that something's bothering him.'

'And he's got all those bruises and scars', James said. "He tries to hide them but we can see them, anyway. And… do you remember when he once disappeared and came back with that enormous bruise on his cheek, and I asked him if his mother was hitting him, and he denied but went all white?'

'It can't be true', Sirius said. His own voice didn't sound how it was supposed to, but this wasn't the right time to think about it. James was being stupid. If he let him speak a bit more, he could began believing, too. 'You're crazy, both of you. Remus Lupin's not a werewolf.'

'He's so pale', Peter whispered, his voice getting more and more startled.

'Yeah', James answered with the same tone in his voice. 'And he's so absent.'

'And he never speaks of his home or the past.'

'Stop it!' Sirius shouted out and felt satisfied when both of them looked at him, surprised. 'What are you going to do? Ask Remus if he happens to be a Dark Creature?'

'Well, yes', said James challenge in his voice.

'And what if he is?' Sirius asked at the same moment when the thought finally went to his head. 'What if he is? I know I used to tell you how weird he is, but he's not that weird in the end. I don't want him to be werewolf. He's quite nice, actually.'

James looked concerned. 'Would it be that bad? If he was a werewolf? When we already know him?'

'James!' Peter cried out. 'You said that he could eat me!'

James rolled his eyes but looked quite angry. 'Shut up, Peter. I wasn't serious then. And I was talking about werewolves in general, not our Remus. You think he could eat you?'

Peter looked thoughtful. 'I guess no. He's so picky anyway. Doesn't want to drink pumpkin juice even though it's just fine.'

'He wouldn't hurt us', James said, beginning to sound excited again. Sirius wanted to punch him. 'Even though he was a werewolf. We would have a werewolf as a friend.'

'You're a fool, Potter', Sirius said loudly. 'This isn't something to joke about. It's fucking serious. You'd better pray that you aren't right.'

And then he went to the bathroom. The door slammed behind him and fortunately he couldn't hear Peter's and James' annoying voices anymore.

-----------------------

Fucking James. Fucking daft insane James Potter who had put a thought to his mind. At first Sirius couldn't get any sleep, even though he had always been the one to be able to sleep anytime, anywhere. Now he was just staring at the ceiling and wondering if James could possibly be right, and if he was, what the hell they would do.

Sirius had known Remus two years and six months, and the fact that he had actually liked the boy for a year or something meant nothing. Remus was his friend as were James and Peter. He had done much work keeping it away from his mom that he considered his Gryffindor classmates friends, but somehow the whole family being against Sirius' life in Gryffindor had made him keep a stronger hold onto it. He was beginning to think that the Sorting Hat hadn't made a mistake in the first place, it had just been more clever than Walburga Black.

And Remus Lupin was perhaps weird, but he was also nice. He had his mysterious smile and he was quite good at making pranks, even though he tried to pretend he was above that kind of behavior. Sirius could see through him. The boy had enjoyed when they had made Binns' chair explode just a moment before he was to sit down. Binns hadn't still got a new chair. Well, maybe ghosts didn't need to sit. Maybe the chair had been there just to make Binns look more normal.

Remus Lupin couldn't be werewolf. It was impossible. Werewolves weren't humans, they hadn't got brown-colored hair and sharp blue eyes. A werewolf wouldn't help Sirius with his homework. A werewolf wouldn't pretend he wasn't weeping when he had been watching a Quidditch game and a Blutcher had got lost and smashed against his head.

But Sirius had to admit that James had quite many points there. Remus _did_ disappear once in a while, and Sirius had long time ago noticed that those disappears were quite regular, he just hadn't cared enough to point it out then. And it was full moon that night. Sirius could see it even through the curtains and couldn't help himself from shivering.

No, they were just coincidences. James had to be wrong. There was no choice.

------------------------

Remus didn't come to the breakfast. Both James and Peter seemed to have abnormally big eyes when they looked across the Great Hall to see Remus, who hadn't come to the dormitory, either, but at least the others apparently were able to eat just normally. Sirius didn't feel like eating at all, in fact seeing food made him nauseous. A little before he was supposed to have Potions he left the table and went straight back to the Gryffindor tower.

Remus was lying on his bed. Sirius stopped at the door thousands of thoughts rushing through his mind. He didn't know if he had wanted to find Remus here, but now it was too late to turn around. He also knew that he had to ask. He had to know. He had never been that kind of person who could leave things unknown.

'Hi', he said. Remus seemed to notice him then, or at least he turned his head a little so that he could see his face when he greeted him back. The brown-haired boy looked terribly tired, and for a moment Sirius was sure there was a new scar on his face.

'Where were you?' he asked.

Remus blinked. 'I had to visit home. My… aunt Mary just died last week, and the funeral was yesterday.'

'Aunt Mary died already. A year or two ago, in fact', Sirius said, a cold feeling beginning to form in his stomach. 'Maybe you're mistaken. Maybe it was some of your other aunts.'

Remus looked shocked, but was trying to cover it up. 'Yeah, could have been. I have many aunts. My mom has a big family.'

'Shut up.'

'Yeah, she's got seven sisters and almost all of them live abroad, so I never came to know them - '

'No, Remus. _Shut up_. You're lying.'

'Oh.' Remus' voice was awfully small and weak. Sirius stared at him trying to believe that he could give him an explanation, anything but the conclusion James had made. Anything. But Remus was just staring at him, eyes wide open with fear.

'Well', he finally said, when Sirius was still waiting for an answer. 'Would you believe if I said it's nothing important, but I can't really tell? It's… family business.'

'I can believe - ' Sirius began ' - that you can't tell, but about that family business and nothing important… why the heck would you keep something secret if it wasn't important? We're supposed to be your best friends!'

'Yes', Remus said weakly, 'and I want you to be still my friends, so please drop it - '

'Are you?' Sirius choked trying to get the word out of his mouth, being scared to death of what Remus might answer. 'A - werewolf? Remus?'

Remus face had lost all its color. The boy's eyes were huge and terrified and his mouth dropped half open when he just stared at Sirius. Sirius' own head was empty from everything. James had been right. If he hadn't been, Remus would have been laughing at his conclusion now, not looking at him that way, frightened and horrified. And what was there for Remus to be afraid of? Wasn't Sirius the one who was supposed to be running away?

'How did you know?' Remus finally asked in a low, cracking voice that was hard to hear.

'James guessed it yesterday.' Sirius wondered how his voice could sound that normal. 'I couldn't believe it at first, but then I couldn't get sleep and kept on thinking. I had to ask.'

'I'm sorry', Remus was almost weeping, 'so terribly sorry. You weren't suppose to find out. I shouldn't be here, you know, but Dumbledore allowed me to come, and please don't tell anyone, if someone finds out I have to leave straight away…'

'You have to tell James and Peter.'

'Yes, I guess. But please don't tell anyone else. I'm so sorry. I'd never hurt you, I'd never hurt anyone - '

'Shut up, Lupin', Sirius said but not angrily. He didn't think he was afraid, he was just so fucking tired that he couldn't even think. Still, at the same time he began to feel like Remus admitting had made things easier. Remus Lupin was a werewolf, but, well, Sirius Black wasn't scared. He thought what his mom would have done if she had known - Sirius would probably have been placed under house arrest for a lifetime. One of his best friends was a half-blood werewolf. Walburga Black surely thought that werewolves could be useful sometimes, but they weren't friends, not even close.

Well, this wasn't the first time when he disagreed with his mom.

Besides, he already knew that he couldn't tell anyone. Remus had to tell to James and Peter, that couldn't be helped, but it would be their secret. Remus had to stay in Hogwarts. Sirius Black couldn't let his friend be sent away from Hogwarts nor did he want to achieve a letter from his mother shouting at him because he had slept in the same room with a boy who had turned out to be a werewolf. And if James or Peter disagreed, Sirius would make sure that they'd get over it.

'I won't tell anyone', he said calmly, watching how Remus slowly understood what he had promised. 'I swear. I'll never tell anyone, nor does Peter or James after you've told them.'

Remus stared at him. Sirius turned around and left the room. The situation clearly demanded that he would take a day off from studying.

-------------------

A few days after Remus' secret coming out the things had quite much settled down. Sirius had skipped some lessons, James had tried to convince himself that there was no need to panic and Peter had been quite practical thinking that Remus was still Remus even though he wasn't acting like himself once a month. Sirius wasn't sure if any of them was really fine with their friend turning out to be a Dark Creature, but did they have a chance but keep acting like they had before?

When a few weeks had past Sirius realized that Remus being a werewolf made the boy more interesting. There were such a lot of opposites in Remus - how he was so gentle and kind, even annoyingly kind to people who didn't deserve it, and how he was quite shy and sensitive, but still once a month he turned into a monster that would have killed anyone without thinking. It was fascinating in a dangerous, even scary way. A few times Sirius tried to ask Remus what it was like, but Remus always seemed to get frightened, so he left the topic quite soon.

In fact everything went quite back to normal. Once a month they would feel guilty of being in their own nice dormitory when Remus had to go to Shrieking Shack for a transformation, and the morning after they didn't know how to act near him, but when the time passed it all got easier. The frightened gaze in Remus' eyes could be seen more and more seldom and eventually Sirius realized that Remus wasn't as shy as he had thought.

And then James got the idea of thinking how they could help Remus. Of course there was nothing to do to prevent him from turning into a wolf, but none of them couldn't really bear to think him ripping himself locked into a small house. The idea of becoming Animagus was just a random joke made by Peter, but Sirius had always been that kind of a person who finds any challenge appealing, and the others couldn't let him do it alone. Besides, what if he turned into a cow, for example? He couldn't figure out anything that would annoy his mother as much as the heir of the noble family of Black eating grass in the back yard.


	3. Love and Obsession

**A/N: **Thanks a lot for reviews to both of you :) **lovefan81**, I think I suppose that even though Sirius later hated his family, he lived with them fifteen years and there's no change that they wouldn't have affected on him… Besides, I enjoy writing about that arrogant little Sirius :D

**Cinnamon Selkie**, I think Peter is really interesting character and that's because at first he's their best friend and then he turns against them and ends up destroying it all. It's so tragical that it's also fascinating. By the way, English isn't my first language and I've started reading fanfiction by reading Finnish fanfiction, and it's interesting to notice that the habit of writing Peter shy and invisible is the same in both languages, even though I sometimes think that English fanfiction is a bit better when it comes to Peter, actually…

-------------------

**Chapter 3: Love and Obsession**

'Pads, I think I'm going to puke.'

I rolled my eyes. James was staring at the reflection in the mirror with a face that was clearly telling that no one who had brain should approach James today. His eyes looked shocked even though the other parts of his face mostly kept their rather calm expression. His hands were shaking even though he had put them into his pockets, and therefore his robe was shaking, too.

'I'll never fall in love', Peter said, sounding tired.

'I still can't believe', James said, now his mood changing from fear to overwhelming. 'Last year she didn't even bother to talk to me. Now she's going to go to Hogsmeade with me. Pads, I really need to go to the bathroom - '

'No', I denied holding him still. 'You're just panicking. Don't worry. The worst that can happen is that Lily never wants to see you again. Or that you burn "The Three Broomsticks" down and will be forced to pay the bills for the rest of your life. Neither of them involves dying, so no need to worry.'

'Is that what you call comforting?'

'No, he's just trying to make you even more panicked', Remus' cheery voice called from the bathroom. 'Don't believe him, Prongs. Sirius is just jealous, because you've got your lovely Lily Evans at least.'

'What? Is Sirius in love with her, too?' James' eyes widened.

'No!' I shouted. 'No. Remus, could you think a little what you're saying to him? He's in a sensitive state right now. He believes anything.'

'I'm not', James said trying to sound convincing, but unfortunately he just managed to sound scared. 'I'm just a little nervous. This is the most important day in my life.'

'How about when you're going to propose her?' Peter suggested. 'Of course, if today goes well.'

'What I just told you!' James said, even though his voice was cracking. 'Remus, any advice? You got a girl, you should know.'

'Don't be a jerk', he said coming to the bathroom's door. 'Don't pretend. Be interested in what she says. Don't try to kiss her at the first moment you see her.'

'That difficult?'

'Yeah. I'm sorry. You just have to try.'

'When are you going to meet Lily?' Peter asked. 'No offense, but I'd like to get you out off here before my nerves are ruined.'

'I guess - ' James watched the clock, 'damn, I should have been in the common room two minutes ago! She's going to kill me!'

I patted him on the shoulder. 'Good luck. Remember what Remus told you.'

James threw the last panicked glance at us before shutting the door behind him. When his steps had disappeared, I and Peter burst into a laughter. Remus had gone back to the bathroom, but I almost heard him snorting disapprovingly.

'You shouldn't be joking about him, guys. He's got a chance of his life. Of course he's panicking.'

'He's going to take Lily Evans to Hogsmeade', I said. 'If that's the chance of his life, I'm not really jealous.'

'He's in love', Remus answered from the bathroom.

'Well, that doesn't mean he should drop dead because of the excitement. You're in love, too, and you're as calm as me or Peter.'

I heard Remus sigh. He had come back from the bathroom and was now standing in the door way. His brown hair was beginning to get long, I noticed. It was falling to his eyes and he had to pull it aside.

'I don't think I am', Remus said his voice suddenly totally serious.

I blinked. 'Aren't you in love with Sarah? I thought so. You look so… happy. Both of you.'

Remus nodded. 'I'm happy. Probably as happy as I can be.'

'So, what's wrong?'

He stared at the wall behind my shoulder. Peter had began sorting out his T-shirts, probably trying to avoid a serious conversation. I didn't mind. I had Susie Thomas waiting for me in Hogsmeade and I would have enough time to get everything from my head. Besides, to be honest, thinking Remus not loving Sarah felt quite good. I was clearly worried about him forgetting us if the thing with the girl turned more serious.

'I don't know', Remus said in a slow voice. 'Don't get me wrong, Padfoot, I like her really much. I enjoy being with her. But if I think how James acts near Lily… it's never been like that. It's just nice being with her. It doesn't get my socks going circle in my feet.'

'James has always got excited about things', I said not really wanting to believe it myself. 'You can't compare yourself with him. He's got on obsession about Evans.'

'Well, I clearly haven't got an obsession about Sarah', Remus said almost sadly. 'Sometimes I'm just… well, wondering what it would be like. If you were really in love with someone.'

'I don't know, either', I said hoping that it was the right thing to say. 'At the moment, for example, I'm dating Susie just because of her fine hair.'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'You aren't interested in getting too serious, are you?'

'Are you talking about Susie or this conversation?'

'Both.'

I nodded.

'Which one?'

'Both.' I grinned when Remus laughed a little. Making him laugh when he was feeling blue had been one of my favorite activities for years, especially since it wasn't always so easy.

'Well, I guess I have to go for my girlfriend', Remus said, 'to whom I haven't got an obsession but whom I like very well.'

'That's boy man speaking', I said. 'And I'm going to go to greet Susie Thomas for her well-colored hair.'

We threw a glance at Peter, who had arranged his T-shirts for their colors.

'Pete? Are you coming?'

'Just a minute. I'm gonna see Maria Brown. She hates messy people.'

**----------------------  
**  
I hadn't been planning any of it. I just happened to sit with Susie in Three Broomsticks when Remus came in with Sarah, and because he didn't happen to see me, I decided not to bother them. A few minutes later I realized that Susie wasn't speaking anymore and, instead of that, she was staring at me looking quite amused.

'You aren't even faking to be listening to me', she said a bit dryly.

I sighed. 'Sorry.'

'Just tell me what's so interesting in your best friend and his girlfriend. You said you're jealous, but your stare was quite intense to be just one of a little jealous friend.' Susie frowned. 'You don't fancy Sarah, do you?'

'No!' That was surprising, really. Even though Sarah was surely quite a nice girl, she wasn't my type at all. She had brown, long hair, a little round, pretty face, big mouth and a friendly smile. To be honest, I had tried to hit on her when I had been fourteen, but she had turned me down and I had barely though her since last spring, when Remus had began to spend some time with her. 'And I guess I didn't say I was jealous of my friends' girlfriends. You said it yourself.'

'Well, my best guess is still that you're afraid he's going to forget you.' Susie smiled. 'And that won't happen. You aren't easy to forget.'

'I'm not?'

'No. You're too annoying.'

I rolled my eyes. 'How do you know when you're in love with someone?'

She blinked looking perplexed. 'Where's this coming from? Are you trying to decide if you love me or not?'

'I'm trying to be serious, Susie. For once.'

'Sorry. I haven't got much experience of you being serious.' She smiled a little but then turned her eyes to look somewhere else, as she had seen something interesting on the wall. 'I don't know. I don't think I've never been in love. I've just fancied people, you know… but not that much. I've got over them. Are you thinking James?'

'Well, maybe.'

'I don't get him', Susie remarked. 'He liking Lily Evans is just something I don't understand, or how he's been stuck on her for years. It has to be pretty terrible for him, I guess, when she' s turned him down so many times and still he can't get over her.'

'James is insane', I said slowly. 'About Lily. I can't understand how his world can be so Lily-centered.'

Now Susie was staring at the ceiling one of her eyes closed. She looked funny. 'Maybe you have people in the centre of your world, too. I mean, like your friends. Well, I'm not claiming that James doesn't care about you, but maybe he just has more space in his mind than you have. For other people, I mean.'

'Are you saying that I have to date one of my friends to fall in love?' I grinned.

Susie rolled her eyes. 'You're impossible, Sirius Black. You know what? I guess I could even fancy you, if you weren't that irritating.'

I smiled back at her. It felt quite safe, she grinning at me with an expression that clearly told that she wasn't too serious anymore. That was what I liked about her. Nothing ever got too awkward or difficult.

'You aren't fancying me then, Thomas?'

'No. I'm just playing games with your feelings.'

'And my heart. You must know that.'

'I know, Sirius Black.' She turned to glance behind her shoulder. 'But your true love, your best friend's girlfriend seems to be leaving. What should we do? Stay here?'

'Come on', I said the thought coming into my mind. It was stupid and, well, even more stupid, but it couldn't hurt anyone. 'Let's go spy on them.'

'What?' Susie raised his eyebrows. 'You're getting desperate, Black.'

'I have to make sure that my friends' in good hands', I said standing up. 'Please. I promise you'll get a kiss later.'

'Anything for a kiss', Susie said and followed me.

-------------------------

The common room looked empty. No fourteen years old couples trying to do something their parents would get a heart attack from if they only saw it, no eleven years old couples thinking if they were supposed to hold hands. I had to shake my head as soon as the thought occurred into my mind. Just a few hours ago I had walked with Susie back to Hogwarts thinking if we were supposed to hold hands. Well, we hadn't, and I had kissed her before she went. Nice, clean date, no gross details.

'What was that?'

I flinched. Remus was sitting in a corner staring through the window at the darkening night.

'What was what?'

'That sneaking after me and Sarah.' He smiled briefly. 'Don't get me wrong, Pads. I'm not mad or anything, there wasn't anything too private going on and I've got used to your weird hobbies. I'm just curious.'

I walked to him and sat down next to him on the couch. He had dark shadows under his eyes and he was holding his robe tight as he had been cold. It wasn't the first time when I was sorry for that we had only one Remus. He was the best one to comfort when one of us looked sad, but when that one was him, there was really nobody for him.

'I don't know. The idea came just out of the blue', I said in a low voice, it was so silent in there. 'I saw you and her in Three Broomsticks. I was sitting there with Susie. And when you left, I just thought it would be interesting to follow you and see where you went, I guess.'

'What did you expect?'

'Nothing.'

He closed his eyes for a moment. I tried to decide if he was offended or mad at me but he didn't look like he was, and I had always sucked at interpreting people. 'Well, it doesn't matter, anyway. Did you already heard about James' date?'

'I heard it was awesome and more amazing than anything he's done before, including winning the Quidditch Champion.' I smiled a bit. 'I feel sort of hurt because of that last one, you know.'

He nodded. 'We should be happy for him. He's getting what he has always hoped.'

'Remus?' He turned to look at me. 'Are you sad?'

He shook his head, looking still too tired. 'What for?'

'That's why I'm asking. You've got a girlfriend, you've got a family and friends and food. And you're sitting here.'

Remus sighed. 'I don't know. I'm sorry to be this kind of a jerk, when I should be upstairs celebrating James' success. I just… don't feel able to be there now. Or anywhere.'

I didn't know what to say. He was staring through the window again, and now when my eyes had got used to being in dark I almost saw the Forbidden Forest against the black sky. The scenery looked somewhat empty: no colors, no people, nothing was moving.

'Maybe it's the war', Remus whispered. 'It's like a wall on the road, you know, you're heading to it and can't change the direction and just pray that it will disappear, but nothing changes, and then you realize you have no choice but a crash.'

I wasn't quite sure what I was doing. Usually it was James who was fond of touching and hugging and patting and that kind of stuff, but Remus' skin was very pale in the dark and he looked so fragile and for a moment I thought I saw again the thirteen years old boy waiting for me to say something, when he had just told me the biggest secret of his life: that he was a werewolf. And so I didn't really think, I just grabbed my arm around Remus feeling a little awkward, but then he leaned his head against my shoulder and it was all okay at once. He was breathing slowly and staring at something I couldn't see.

'I can't tell Sarah', he whispered finally, breaking the silence.

'About what?' I asked before realizing. 'Your… wolf thing?'

He nodded slightly. The movement felt kind of nice against my shoulder. I wondered if I had ever been sitting this way with a girl, just being there and doing nothing special.

'Do you have to?' I asked him.

'If it's supposed to get serious, I guess.' He sighed. 'I feel like I'm lying to her, and, for some view, I am. But you don't know how it is, never knowing how someone would react if they knew what you really are. It's like hiding myself all the time, pretending to be me when real me is something different.'

'You're real. And you don't have to tell her, if you don't want to.'

'I'm just so fucking scared. I like her and I don't know if I can ever fall in love, like we were talking in the morning, you know, like James did. I'm so used to hiding. But I can't let her go just because I can't tell her everything.'

'So don't tell. It's not her business anyway.' I patted his shoulder. 'And you've got us, you know. We'd kill for you.'

'And I can't still get it. How you can be so kind when I'm just - '

'Shut up, Remus Lupin. You're mocking my best friend."

I felt him smile and was sure he didn't really believe me, like he never did, but he didn't go on and I was happy with it. Some younger students came from the corridor and frowned when seeing us, but Remus the Prefect didn't say anything to them about being too late outside the Gryffindor Tower and they didn't say anything to us, nor did I care. They went to their dormitories and we kept on sitting until it was midnight and I realized that Remus had fallen asleep. James was still fully awake in our dormitory, explaining to Peter how Lily had let him buy her a glass of butter beer, and together we carried Remus to his own bed.


	4. Animals and Humans

**A/N: **Thank you so much for the reviews to each one of you :)

--------------

**Chapter 4: Animals and Humans**

The whole operation of becoming Animagus would have been much easier, if Remus had been able to help them. Of course, they couldn't tell Remus. Remus would have got shocked about how much they were risking for him, and, being panicked, he might have told McGonagall and they would have all been arrested and put to Azkaban and Sirius didn't want to go there. So they had to keep it secret, but that also meant that they couldn't use Remus' brain and patience during the process.

It took almost two years. Of course, they weren't trying all the time, because, after all, they still had their duties of making pranks and annoying as many students and teachers as possible. Remus claimed that he didn't care about that, either, but Sirius knew that he was lying. He had seen the boy smiling when James had made Lucius Malfoy's shoes explode just when he was trying to get them into his feet. Afterwards both James and Sirius had been in Hospital Wing because Lily Evans had thrown her shoe at them, but that wasn't the point. Even though it had been terribly irritating, being in the same room with James babbling about how Evans had taken contact with him. Sirius tried to say that interacting wasn't supposed to make bruises, but James wouldn't listen to him.

At first they had to get to know how one could become Animagus. It involved going to the library and that was the part Sirius disliked the most. He didn't enjoy libraries. It had probably something to do with the fact that at home in Grimmauld Place the library was dark and huge, the bookshelfs disappeared into the ceiling and looked like any of them could fall when he turned his back at them, and the library was the place where his father was always sitting, reading some black-covered book and smoking. Hogwarts' library was quite different, but Sirius tried to avoid it, just for case. Besides, reading isn't the most appealing activity when you are thirteen years old boy.

Remus would have been the perfect person to go to the library and find some information about becoming Animagus, but because they couldn't tell Remus, they had to do it by themselves. They tried to sneak there when anyone was looking, and when they had realized that the library couldn't offer them any information about the issue, they realized that it had to be on the Dark Side. The Dark Side was the extension to the library, the one behind locked door, and James had heard that there one could find a book telling how all the world could be made to explode into the thin air. So they sneaked there one night under the Invisibility Cloak, which was a present from James' dad and probably meant for something just as honorable as the thing they were doing right then, and spent quite a lot of time trying to find a proper book.

Finally they had read everything they could found and began to actually do something. They had to make some charms that made it possible for them to transform, and that took many months, because they had done nothing like that before. Once they managed to burn Peter's eyebrows, but that was the only real accident, and one nice-looking Ravenclaw girl was showing quite a lot sympathy to Peter, so everyone were happy besides Remus, to whom they told that they had been trying to tease first-graders and it went a bit wrong. Of course, Remus looked quite satisfied because of the prank had harmed them and not the victim.

After the charms they had the most difficult part waiting for them. They had to find their animal forms from inside, and that was something the books didn't tell much about. Afterwards Sirius understood why: because it was impossible to explain. They just had to do it, and so they did even though they didn't know what animal they were turning into, and once James lost his nerves and began shouting that he had been thinking about all the animals he had ever heard of and nothing worked. A few weeks after that it just happened.

----------------------

It happened so fast that Sirius didn't realize it before it had already happened. They had been sitting in their own dormitory, and because Remus was making his homework in the library, they had decided to try once more. 'Trying' usually involved sitting eyes closed and trying to find animal that was somewhere inside them, and Sirius always felt stupid doing it and had to peek to see if all the others' eyes were still closed. That time, anyway, he didn't have time to lose his patient. It happened straight away.

At first he thought he was going to vomit. He felt so weird, like his stomach had turned around, and everything else right after the stomach. He tried to open his eyes and go to the bathroom, but he realized immediately that he couldn't see anything. Everything was dark and misty and there were only shadows in the room. Oh, fuck. He shook his head trying to everything clear his head, but it didn't work out. The whole room just seemed to move and turn and grow. Sirius closed his eyes again and hoped that he was dreaming.

Then it stopped. He was still standing his eyes closed, but everything was still. However, nothing felt _normal_. He tried to ask the others if there had been an earthquake or something, and had they felt it, too, but all he managed to do was a husky bark.

His eyes flew open. Well, this was weird. The room had got much bigger, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that the room _smelled_, and that wasn't just one smell. There was a great mess of all those smells he could never have imagined existing before. How could it be that Peter's socks were stinking that much? And how much did Remus had chocolate in his bag? And had James been playing Quidditch yesterday? Somebody had surely had some pumpkin juice at the breakfast. And somebody should change his teeth brush right away.

Right after all this had managed to get into his head he began to wonder why he was still just standing there and not doing anything, and right after that he realized he was running through the room and sniffing everything he could - wait? Running? Sniffing? And how could it be that he didn't feel like using his two feet, but four…pads?

Something was wrong. He stopped to look around him and even though the scenery wasn't as interesting as the smells, something made him blink. There was an enormous, brown animal standing in a corner, looking quite perplexed but calm. And next to it there was a mouse, no, it was surely a rat that was trying to stare at everything at the same time and seemed to have some difficulties trying to decide where to escape the bigger animal.

And then Sirius realized.

He tried to say something, but of course the words came out barking. They had made it! They had made it, and without Remus getting to know and without anyone dying or going to Azkaban! They were Animagi, illegal Animagi, and even though he couldn't clearly annoy his mother by being a cow, he would find another way.

Then Remus came to the dormitory.

He smelled kind of nice, in fact, a bit of chocolate and pullover and breakfast and coffee and old books and library and… Slytherin? Why the heck did Remus smell Slytherin? That should be asked right away when they would transform back and -

Remus dropped his book to the floor, his face full of shock. Sirius didn't think, he just had to stop Remus from running away and revealing them. Besides, he wanted someone to scratch him behind his left ear. So he ran to Remus and grabbed his sleeve with his teeth. Remus looked like he was going to throw up. How could a werewolf be scared of a dog?

Sirius put his muzzle against Remus' leg. It felt nice. Remus was nice, well, apparently, because they were friends after all. Even now, when Remus was trying to get away from him. Well, he just didn't know. Why wouldn't Remus scratch him? He was quite sure he was a nice dog. He had never bitten anyone. And why was the big, brown animal in the corner staring through the window? What was so interesting out there? The window didn't even smell. And the rat had disappeared under the bed. Sirius frowned, or at least he tried, he didn't know if he was able to make an expression like that now. Was he nice? He probably was quite good-looking. His fur felt nice.

'Let me go', Remus said in a cracking voice and Sirius realized that he was still holding the boy's sleeve. Well, it was only for his own good. If Remus went to tell Filch and Hagrid came and caught them, Remus wouldn't have company for the full moon.

'Bad dog', Remus was saying. He had mistaken. Sirius wasn't bad. He glared at Remus and wagged his tail.

'Well', Remus' voice was getting a bit better. It wasn't that weak anymore. 'Could you, er, could you possibly go away? I don't know how you got here, but you should be in the forest or something…'

What, Remus was talking to animals? Was this some odd werewolf thing again? Sirius didn't even bother to talk to house elf.

'You should really leave', Remus said, trying to get the big, brown animal move, but it just turned to stare at him with its big, brown eyes. 'I don't live here alone. I don't know where my friends are, but when they come back, they're going to throw you out of the window. I guess they don't like animals that much, you know… And you, the… stag… you're standing on my book.'

The stag blinked and stepped aside to free Remus' book, which was quite a bit flatter than it had been. Remus looked shocked.

'Remus? Could you give me a hand?'

Sirius got so surprised that he forgot to hold onto Remus' sleeve. The voice was coming under James' bed and it sounded very much like Peter's. It smelled Peter, too. Sirius turned around and saw that Peter was lying under the bed looking very uncomfortable, because the gap between the floor and the bed was clearly too small. Peter had been the rat, then, going there. And now he was a human. Sirius could even smell it. Boy, this was awesome.

Remus' mouth had fallen open.

'Remus? I'm stuck here', Peter moaned. 'Could you lift the bed or something?'

Remus did it, but his eyes were still as big as Bludgers. 'When did you go there? Why didn't you say anything? What are these animals?'

'One is Sirius and the other is James', Peter said, 'but I have no idea which one is who. It happened so fast, I couldn't see.'

This all was beginning to be so exciting that Sirius had to run a circle just to do something.

'What? What's going on?'

'We were trying to become Animagi', Peter told looking much happier, when Remus had got him away from his trap. 'To make it easier for you. Someone read that a werewolf can't harm animals. We've been trying for a long time, almost two years, I guess, and today it happened.'

Remus turned to stare at the stag. 'So, this is one of my friends?'

'Yeah. I guess that's James. I suppose that the dog trying to catch its own tail is Sirius.'

Sirius stopped. Fuck. He hadn't realized he was doing it. Well, it didn't matter, anyway. He went to sniff Remus' leg and Remus bent down to scratch him behind his ear, oh, just there, and it felt so perfect. Oh. Oh. Remus looked still nervous, but at least he was smiling.

'Could you please turn back?' Remus asked staring at the stag. 'Of course, you're somewhat nicer when you're animals, but it's a little difficult to have a proper conversation with a stag.

Sirius hadn't got time to realize that he hadn't got a clue how he was supposed to turn into a human again, because when he tried to do it, it happened immediately. He just realized that he was standing there staring at Remus, who looked quite shocked again.

'What?' he asked. 'Am I naked?'

'No', Remus choked. 'You just… You were a dog, and now you aren't…'

'Yeah.' Sirius rolled the eyes. 'That's the idea of being Animagus. You aren't as clever as you're trying to pretend, nerd.'

He saw the smile in Remus' eyes. 'Don't call me nerd, dog. Hello, James.'

The stag had disappeared and James had fallen into his knees. Now he was standing up and staring at the others with a disbelieving stare at his eyes.

'I can't believe it', he said the smile broadening with every word. 'We did it!'

'I can't believe it, either', said Remus, who was slowly getting over the surprise. 'Don't you realize how dangerous that was? That something could have done wrong and no one even knew what you had been trying to do? Don't you realize that there's a reason for this to be illegal? That it isn't only because the Ministry is afraid of everything uncommon? It's fucking dangerous, you could have died or end up being in Azkaban or stuck between human and animal or - '

'Shut up, Remus', Sirius snapped. He wanted to celebrate and Remus hadn't got a right to ruin this. 'We were careful. Nothing happened. And now we can do it. Watch this!'

He turned into a dog and smiled when the dog's mind filled him. Then he was back being a human and the others were staring at him.

'What? Does it look weird?'

'No', Remus said in a low voice. 'It looks easy. I'm almost jealous.'

James was staring at the book he had stood on and that was now all flat. Peter was looking at the bed and probably wondering, how the heck he could have been small enough to fit under it. Sirius frowned. 'Why?'

'It's so different than…' Remus sighed, 'than it's for me. A bit similar to being a werewolf and still not at all. How does it feel?'

'Nothing', Sirius said. 'At first it felt weird, like everything in me had turned around, but it wasn't that bad, either. But now it happened so fast that I couldn't feel it at all. It's a bit like getting something weird and new to your head.'

'It doesn't hurt', Remus whispered, more to himself than to Sirius. 'Weird. It doesn't hurt…'

The conversation was becoming too serious. Sirius patted Remus on his back.

'Well, think about what we can do. You don't have to be alone when it's full moon, because we can be there. You don't even have to stay in Shrieking Shack. We can go to Forbidden Forest and we'll take care that you can't get near anyone.'

Remus glared at him. 'Too dangerous.'

'It's not', Sirius said, trying to find the same determination that used to be in his mother's voice when she talked to him. Or to anyone, for that matter. 'We haven't been doing this for nothing.'

'Sirius, listen', Remus whispered, a low voice intense and scared. 'You don't realize. James and Peter will stand behind you whatever you decide, and you can't do that. You just can't. You have to back out.'

'No.'

'Yes. Don't you realize? You're worried about me being alone, but that's exactly how I'm supposed to be. I'm not even supposed to be here and have friends. Some people would say I'm not supposed to be alive. And they're right, kind of - '

'Remus, shut up, you aren't - '

'No, you shut up', he said taking a grip of Sirius shoulders' and leaning forward, his eyes big and striking. 'How do you think I'd feel if I killed one of you? How much do you think it would help me to know that I didn't know what I was doing? Or that you had made a decision by yourself?'

Sirius swallowed. He hadn't been thinking of dying, or, well, not seriously. Of course there were some risks, they had known it, but until this he had some kind of imagined that everything would be okay when they would just manage to get into their animal forms. And now Remus was trying to scare them out of the whole plan.

Sirius inhaled deeply. It didn't just work that way. After all, he was Black, he knew what it meant to be loyal. You didn't back out when something wasn't nice, you didn't let the risks come between you and your loyalty and you never betrayed your family. It wasn't about what might happen, it wasn't about risks. If you had people, you were stuck with them. You didn't just leave.

There was a silent voice inside him, laughing with a sad tone. It sounded a bit like his mother. Well, Sirius hadn't wanted to become a person his mom couldn't stand, had he? It was beginning to seem impossible to ever really discuss with his mom or dad or even Regulus, or do anything but shout at them and make them shout back and throw things. Anyway, Sirius needed someone, right? You lose the battle at the moment when there's no one to die for. For some unknown reason Sirius had ended up being a Gryffindor and sleeping in the same dormitory with James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin. That was it.

'Remus, we're coming', Sirius said loudly enough to ensure that James and Peter heard it, too. 'Or at least I'm coming, anyway. And if you're trying to stop me from coming, I'm afraid I have to show you what I've inherited from my mom, and that's the incredible ability of being stubborn.'

James laughed a bit. Remus looked tired but at least he didn't argue anymore, he just turned around and walked out of the room. Thirty minutes later James and Sirius had a Quidditch practise with a Gryffindor team and they saw Remus sitting in the auditorium, a small spot against the darkening sky.

--------------------------

Sirius' first full moon came two weeks later. Remus wouldn't let them see the transformation, and so they had to wait outside and listen Remus shouting when his bones broke and grew and changed. Sirius wanted to vomit or run to the house and do something, anything, but of course he couldn't. Then it became rather quiet again and they used the secret passage to get to the house.

Even though Sirius was a dog and the dog's mind seemed to be incapable of really being unhappy, seeing the wolf made a cold feeling wash through his body. He hadn't known what to expect, but the werewolf looked nothing but an extremely huge wolf with angry or maybe hungry expression on his eyes. There was nothing revealing that it was Remus, and when they entered the room, the wolf stared at them only for a few seconds before attacking.

After that Sirius' memories got messier. There had been a fight, but he didn't really remember it, and he didn't remember being scared. Probably the dog's mind had taken control when his own couldn't. He had wanted to go out from the house but James had stopped him and Sirius had been amazed of how easily the dog was able to understand the stag. James wanted to take it slow and be careful, and so they stayed in the house that night.

In the morning Sirius felt awfully tired. They had sneaked back to the castle before anyone had woken up, and they slept 'till midday. Then Remus came from the Hospital Wing and Sirius woke up just to see the exhausted expression on his friends eyes. The sun was shining through the window and it made Remus look even more whiter than usually, and there were some new scratches on his skin.

'Are they still sleeping?' Remus asked quietly.

Sirius looked around. James' feet were outside the bed and the mouth full open, and Peter had pulled the blanket over his head. 'I suppose. I just woke up, too.'

'I'm happy it's Sunday', Remus said wearily. 'Maybe you should go back to sleep, too.'

'No, I want to talk to you', Sirius objected immediately and swallowed then. 'Of course, if it's okay. You look tired.'

'I am', Remus said, 'but I think I can handle this. Should we go somewhere else?'

'No, I'm not having a speech or anything', Sirius tried to grin, but he felt a bit too tired to manage with it. 'And I don't think they would wake up even though McGonagall would come here and dance naked, so no need to worry. I just thought… was it any better? Do you remember anything?'

'Not much', Remus said, staring at him. 'I never remember much. I guess that's better. I mainly remember the transformation, but there's something else, too… I guess we didn't go out of the house, did we?'

'No. I'm sorry, James wanted to be careful and I thought - '

'That's good', Remus said slowly. 'You're more intelligent than I thought, I suppose. I'm glad you didn't let me go out. I was seeing nightmares about that beforehand.'

'I'm sorry', Sirius repeated, but he wasn't so sure anymore what he was apologizing.

'And it was easier', Remus said then, taking some deep breaths. 'I noticed it immediately when I woke up, and I can remember that I wasn't… so frustrated this time. I have only a few wounds. Of course it's hard every time, even the sheer transformation would probably make me hurt for days if there was no any potions and charms, but you had surely a good effect on me.'

Remus smiled a bit. Sirius was relieved. They had helped him. They had managed to do something. And soon they would leave the Shrieking Shack and go out and run and it would be even easier for Remus, because he wouldn't need to be locked in a small house.

'Sirius?'

'What?'

'Are you okay? You look terribly tired.'

'That's because I am. But it's not your fault, don't you even think about it…' Sirius grinned slightly. 'I've been breaking the school's rules for the whole night. No wonder I'm a bit tired.'

Remus didn't laugh, but there was a small, tiny smile on his face. Sirius smiled back at him and fell back to his bed.


	5. Growing Up, Being Wasted

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews :)

--------------------  
**  
Chapter 5: Growing Up, Being Wasted**

I woke up realizing that all my body was aching. I sighed and tried to keep my eyes closed, but it didn't help me from realizing that I was lying on the floor and it was a bit too cold to feel comfortable. Fuck. Had I really fallen from the bed? It had happened a few times before I went to Hogwarts, and at the first time Regulus had laughed at me so much that I hadn't brought it up anymore.

I opened my eyes slowly. Well, I wasn't in my dormitory. The ceiling was old and scratched, and if it had been painted, the color had disappeared years ago and was now some kind of a mix of blue, grey and brown.

'Padfoot?'

I turned my head. Remus was lying on a narrow bed besides the wall. I blinked when all the memories came back to my mind. It was the first morning after full moon and for some reason I had stayed in Shrieking Shack instead of going back to the castle in the morning. Anyway, it was Sunday, so there was no reason to hurry.

'Morning', I said to Remus.

'Morning.' He frowned. 'What're you staring at?'

I grinned. 'Nothing. You just look like some pervert painting.'

He laughed wearily and turned to stare at the ceiling. 'Why? Because I'm naked? Not all of us are able to keep their clothes on despite the transformation. I've talked about it with James. He thinks it's because of your transformation being voluntary that you're still dressed when you turn into humans again.'

'Well, I wasn't thinking about that. It's that the whole picture of you lying there in this fucking messy room and all those scars of yours and looking like you're waiting for a lover or something.'

'Maybe I am. Get off, Black, so that I can have my Sarah here.'

I stared at him. He sighed and his expression changed into more serious.

'Not really', he said slowly. 'I don't believe I'm ever going to tell her. It was bad enough that you found out.'

'You're happy that we found out.'

'Yes', he admitted. 'But you were thirteen and stupid. She's seventeen and smart. She wouldn't take it as well as you did.'

'You can't know that.'

'I know her, Sirius', he said, but didn't sound as sad as I had thought. 'She's reasonable. There's no reason good enough to get involved with a werewolf.'

'There is. If she saw you lying there naked she would definitely have a reason good enough.'

Remus laughed. 'You could have any girl with that charm of yours, Black. What are you trying to do, flattering me? Trying to get to my pants, are you?'

'You haven't got pants, mister Lupin.'

'Too bad for you, then.' He turned to look at me. 'Why are you still here?'

I shook my head. 'No idea. Probably I was just too tired. Or I tried to be different from James and Pete.'

'Or you were hurt.'

That was the conclusion I didn't want him to make. I could feel my sides and chest having new bruises and there was a few quite red scratches in my arms, but I didn't want Remus to worry about it. Sometimes I wondered if he still felt guilty from making us do this, even though it hadn't been his decision in the first place.

'Don't you try to stop me from breaking the school's rules', I said, a slight thought coming to my mind that I had already used that joke some years before. 'You've never been any good at that.'

He rolled his eyes but let the topic be. 'Would you like to throw me a blanket? It's quite cold here and I don't want you to be tempted.'

'Tempted to do what?' I grinned.

'You've got your own imagination', he said. 'And I'm taken. Besides, I haven't got a habit of dating my best friends. Or boys, for that matter.'

'Oh, I was so sure', I said thinking if the breakfast had already gone. 'I guess you're alive enough. At least joking seems to be easy.'

'You didn't have to stay there. You know it.'

'Yes. And now I have to get some breakfast. What I will say to your dear Jones, if she happens to ask where you are?'

'Nothing', he answered biting his lip. 'As always. Unless you don't want to tell her that you've stolen me and we're going to get married in London, so she has to wait a few weeks before seeing me again.'

'I guess I can manage with that, Lupin', I said standing up. 'See you at the Quidditch game.'

'Gryffindor against Slytherin?' He grimaced. 'I surely chose a good day to turn into a monster and make you and James spend the whole night running in the forest.'

'We're going to win, anyway, so no need to flatter yourself.'

'Back at you, Black.'

He closed his eyes but I didn't turn away yet. When he wasn't talking, he looked just exhausted and it hit me once again how much worse this much for him than for us, who had maybe some scratches afterwards but nothing serious. Remus had to go to Hospital Wing after every transformation, where Madam Pomfrey would check that all is bones were in right places. Sometimes Remus broke bones and he had to spend more time waiting them to be cured, and then he came back later and was pale and didn't talk much. And even after the easy nights he had wounds which had to be heeled and which weren't just some stupid scratches. Even now there was a slightly red wound going across his chest and neck.

'Black? Planning to leave soon?'

I opened my mouth but couldn't figure out anything cheerful to say. Remus stared at me with his one open eye when I turned around and left.

----------------------------

'And did she let you hold her hand?' Peter was asking, when I stepped to the dormitory. I frowned, and he threw me a tired glance.

Oh, well. James was sitting on his own bed looking overwhelmed. I pushed aside a strong urge to hit him on his head. It had been a week since he had been with Lily in Hogsmeade and still he didn't want to talk about anything else. The boy was damned.

'Yes! Would you have guessed? Lily Evans holding hands with me? It's like a miracle!'

'And how did you do it?' Peter asked. I couldn't understand how James didn't notice Peter's voice that had quite many similarities to Binns' voice, when he was explaining us what problems wizards' immigration into the Northern America had caused in the seventeenth century.

'I don't know! I wasn't even trying! And then she suddenly told me that I'm kind of nice when I'm not being a complete moron.'

'You're going to marry her before Christmas', I said.

It was a mistake. James was clearly incapable of recognizing sarcasm. 'Hi, Padfoot! Do you want to hear the whole story? I was just telling Peter - '

'No, thanks. I've got an idea.' Well, I hadn't, but I had to figure out one quite soon before James would keep on talking about Evans. 'We need to make a prank.'

James frowned. 'What?'

'We're losing our touch. We haven't irritated anyone in the whole autumn.'

'Well, Lily said I've been annoying - '

'Prongs!' I said. 'No offense, but it's been a week and you're still babbling about Evans all the time. You have to think about something else.'

James frowned. 'All the time?'

'Yeah. Sorry.'

He sighed. 'Okay, I'm trying to… do something else… Do you have any plans? For that prank?'

I shrugged. 'Not really. Maybe we should do something simple. Turn Snivellus' hair into pink.'

There was a silence in the room. Peter was staring at me with a blank expression on his face and James was looking through the window. For a brief moment I wanted to turn my back to them and walk back to the corridor. There were too many words waiting to get said and I didn't want to hear any of them.

'Sirius', Peter said finally, his voice far too gentle and careful, 'I think we have made that often enough.'

'It's the war, isn't it?' I asked. There it was again, the word that was waiting for us behind every corner. 'Shouldn't we resist? Live like we used to?'

'We don't know if it's coming - ' Peter started.

'It's coming', I interrupted him. 'People are disappearing and they are always Muggle-borns and half-bloods. The Daily Prophet has nothing else to write and people are becoming too scared to even go out of their own houses. What else would you call it? A bad year?'

'Sirius, breathe', James said. At least he wasn't talking about Evans. 'That's all true, but do you think we've finished making those pranks because of that? Maybe we've just grown up.'

'We weren't supposed to.'

I didn't know why it was suddenly so important, but it was. I didn't want them to be so serious.

'It just happened', James said slowly, stand up and stepped towards the bathroom. 'Besides, I don't think anyone of us is too interested in teasing Snape anymore.'

'Well, if you've made friends with him.'

'Stop it', James said briefly. 'I don't like him and you know it. I just want to do something else.'

He closed to door.

I didn't exactly enjoyed the rain, but anyway, it felt good coming to my face and making me feel as I had been smelting. I took a better grip of my broom and almost closed my eyes when the wind was unbearable, made the broom go nearer the ground and then back up again, above the Forbidden Forest and then back to the castle and all over it. Half-consciously I wished that no one was looking at me at the moment, because I didn't surely look quite sane. Well, I didn't feel sane, either.

I didn't enjoy to analyzing, but now it all was going through my head over and over again even though I tried to get away from it by speeding. James was right, I knew it but I couldn't make myself believe it, not yet. This was our last year in Hogwarts, the last chance to even act that everything was right outside the castle and we had future waiting for us. The future without the war, killing and escaping and lost family members and friends, anyway.

And now James just didn't bother to act anymore. I laughed aloud when I thought how much easier this would make it to him to get Evans: new, serious James Potter was definitely much better target for Head Girl than the old one. But I had liked the old one. And I couldn't bear the thought that this was it, this was it about our pranks and the Marauders. Maybe James would marry Evans in the end and they would live happily ever after, except the war, of course, and Remus would marry his Sarah and so there would be just me and Peter then, sitting in the Three Broomsticks, drinking fire whiskey and thinking about how our lives had used to be.

Okay, that was too pitiful. I shook my head and then hoped again that there was no one watching me. I'd cope. And whatever I did, I wouldn't end up sitting in the pub with Peter and loads of empty glasses.

----------------------

'Sirius?' Remus' voice was patient. Bad sign, really. 'You surely realize that's not the brightest idea you've got? Not even close.'

I was beginning to feel irritated. 'Why not? It's Wednesday - '

'And tomorrow is Thursday and we have Potions at eight, and I've promised to spend this evening with Sarah.'

'Ha! You backing out is about a girl!'

'The girl', he corrected, annoyed. 'Sirius, I'm seeing her now. I can't help it. I have to spend time with her.'

'If that's bothering you that much, maybe you should just break up with her.'

He frowned. 'Now, I guess it's bothering you. What's going on? You look like someone has put you and Snape under the mistletoe?'

'Merlin, no', I choked. 'And nothing's going on. I just want to spend some time with my friends and James thinks we're too old to make pranks.'

I wanted to take it back at immediately when it slipped out off my mouth. The knowing expression had already appeared on Remus' face. He walked to his bed and sat down, crossing his hands and looking thoughtful and careful. Fuck. That was Remus Lupin having his serious speech, then.

'Okay', he said, with a tone I knew very well. It was the tone that called 'run, Sirius, run'. 'What's wrong? Is this about pranks? Or the war?'

'Stop interpreting me! Everything isn't about the war.'

He kept staring at me.

'And I'm not annoyed about Sarah. Sarah is fine. You dating her is fine. I just don't want to spend one fucking Wednesday night sitting in the common room.'

'Fine', Remus said finally, even though his voice was still far too careful. 'I've got a proposition, then. Have James and Peter already agreed to go to Hogsmeade?'

'You're the cleverest one. If you're coming, they'll be there.'

'Well, what if I take Sarah with me?'

I blinked. Sarah Jones? Hogsmeade? Three Broomsticks? Fire whiskey? It just didn't work. However, Remus was staring at me and he looked serious. Fuck Remus Lupin to whom it was just impossible to say no.

'Okay. Take her', I nodded wondering where the heck James was, when he should have been here saving us all. 'But we've got to use one of the secret passages. You have to tell her they exist.'

'I already told her.'

Damn. 'And she's okay with breaking rules?'

'With me, yes, I think.'

'Oh, she's breaking the law for you. That's true love, then.'

'Sirius?' he asked. I couldn't work out if he was worried or just annoyed. 'What's this? If you're pissed off for a reason, just say it.'

'I'm not.'

'You're.

'Just a bad day. You know, James growing old and you all having your great girlfriends to shag and me flying the broom alone and first-graders staring at me…'

Remus shook his head like he hadn't really got it. 'Repeat, please What about girlfriends? And aren't you seeing Susie Thomas?'

'Well, we chatted a few days ago, but…'

'So that's it? No romance?'

'Remus', I sighed. Some day I would figure out how he made me speak about those serious issues all over again, even though just was definitely what I didn't enjoy doing. 'I don't fancy Susie. She's nice, but she's just a friend.'

'A friend with some benefits', Remus corrected.

'I'm not shagging her.'

'Well, if that's what annoying you, maybe you should think about if you really are in love with her and are just denying it - '

I fell sitting on my bed. Remus blinked and stopped, for heaven's sake, and then turned to stare through the window.

'Stop that', I said after a moment. 'You're reading too much from this. I don't like her. We're friends. I don't need a girlfriend. I just need my friends to actually do something sometimes.'

Remus sighed. 'Well, I'm sorry I'm dating someone.'

'No, you aren't.'

He nodded. 'Yeah. And I'm still inviting her to join us this evening. But if she doesn't come, I'll be there, anyway.'

I tried to stop my head making images in which we five were sitting around the table, not saying a word besides Remus and Sarah, who were snogging so intensively that we others couldn't even make ourselves to eat something.

'Yeah. Good. I'm going to find James and Peter now.'

I could feel him staring at my back as I walked out off the dormitory.

-----------------------

I couldn't realize why I hadn't figured it out before. Sad but true: Sarah Jones was fascinating.

Not like Susie, though, or not like the black-haired Hufflepuff girl I had almost had a crush on last year. I wouldn't have wanted to seduce Sarah and take her to a quiet walk near the lake or to a dark corner of the castle. I didn't even believe that it was fully because Remus was so obviously all about her. She was quite nice-looking in a way almost every girl is, and she had rather interesting, kind of husky voice, but that wasn't what made her interesting.

It took me a few fire whiskey bottles to realize that I was staring at her. Then I realized that it didn't matter, because James and Peter were talking about girls, anyway, and Sarah obviously tried not to look anyone else but Remus. And Remus was mainly looking at her, too, so no one cared if I checked my best friend's girlfriend.

The interesting part of her was probably how she was looking at Remus. Her eyes were concentrated and she was biting her lower lip slightly when she leaned forward to listen to Remus. I couldn't help thinking what they did when they were alone. Did they just talk like now? Long conversations about Merlin knows what, politics, weather, other people, themselves?

They looked like they had been able to talk for hours, but they just had to do something else, too. I knew there had been sex in the first weekend in this semester, but after that Remus had said nothing to me about it, so I was totally out. Did they do it often? Where? In our dormitory? How was Sarah? And Remus?

'Sirius, what're you thinking about?'

I blinked. Remus was staring at me, and when I turned back to look at Sarah, she was doing it, too, her eyes asking a question. Fuck. I grabbed the nearest bottle.

'There's too quiet in here', I said. I couldn't realize if I was sober or not, but it didn't really matter, either. 'How about you?'

'Er', said Remus looking at her fascinating girlfriend. 'I don't know. We were kind of wondering if we had to get back to the school.'

'This early? It's not even eleven.'

'I guess you've got enough already.'

'What? I'm not bothering anyone, am I?'

Remus glanced at Sarah. I grinned, not sure if I wanted the girl run away or stay. Stay, of course. Remus should have his girl tonight. I wasn't trying to disturb them, even though it had been so fucking annoying to listen all of my friends talking about girls for hours. Or to a girl, in Remus' case.

'I could go to sleep', said Sarah staring at Remus with a glance that obviously said 'I could go and fuck you'.

'Me, too', Remus said. 'But for some reason I guess I'm not going to get these guys away from here yet.'

Peter and James had almost pressed their foreheads together and were more like hissing than talking. I managed to hear words like 'Lily' and 'fuck' and 'stubborn' and 'missing' but that was all.

'You could come with me', said Sarah. Oh yeah. He could come with you to shag you. Don't you even think I can read between the lines.

Remus shook his head slightly. 'I'm sorry. I just feel… I can't leave them here. This autumn I've spent so much time with you, I guess they're kind of pissed off because I'm skipping these evenings, anyway.'

Sarah sighed. Remus kissed her slightly on her cheek. 'But I'll show you the way back. Okay?'

'Yeah', she said after a moment. 'And then you're coming back and watching that your friends can keep themselves from falling under the table. Sounds like fun.'

I wasn't sure if Remus was smiling or not. 'For some reason, it is sometimes. Fun, I mean. Well, I guess we should go before I get too scared to leave them alone for a moment.'

Remus nodded to me before he walked away from the pub with Sarah. I winked at him and he looked tired. Well, if he was planning to run away with her, I didn't want him to think that it was a surprise to me.

---------------------

'You're so lucky that your girl is already sleeping, Moony. It's so fucking beautiful out there and you have no one annoying you…'

He might have sighed, but anyway, he kept letting me to lean on him as we walked slowly towards the castle. I was trying to narrow my eyes to see better, but the world was kind of misty. And dark, of course, but it was totally natural. It was night, about two o'clock, or I was quite sure that Remus had said something like that when he had been pushing us out of Three Broomsticks. And Madam Rosmerta might have helped him. I wasn't so sure. James was singing something and no one could think clear with James singing something.

'There was an old witch, living in Greenwich, with her thirty three cats, one was white and one was black - '

'That doesn't rhyme, Prongs', Peter laughed.

'Don't blame me. Didn't make it.'

'You're crazy', Remus muttered. 'You're just crazy. I don't understand why they didn't let me become Slytherin in the first place.'

James and Peter were getting ahead of us. I didn't know if Remus didn't notice or if he just tried to let them go not to hear the singing.

'Are you sorry, then?' I asked watching the moon that was slowly rising in the dark sky.

'About what?' he asked.

'That you stayed with us. You could be shagging her at the moment, mate.'

He couched. 'What?'

'It's a nice gesture, really. But we get it. You have a girl, you have to make her happy…'

Remus took a better grip of me. Maybe I had become to walk to the wrong direction. It could have happened. I wasn't exactly sure where the road went.

'I know you're annoyed, Sirius', he said after a moment and his serious voice sank into my head, and for a moment I didn't feel almost any wasted at all.

'What? Am not.'

'Yeah, you're', he said quietly. 'I'm dating someone and Lily is talking to James and we aren't making pranks anymore. Of course you're annoyed. But I like Sarah.'

'Of course you like. I like her, too.'

He stared at me. His eyes were quite tired and quite big and quite blue, too. I wasn't sure if I had ever realized how blue his eyes were. They were almost as blue as the dress the Fat Lady was wearing in her portrait.

'Well, I don't. But she's kind of fascinating, you know. Do you shag often?'

'Sirius, you aren't THAT drunk.'

'I was just asking.'

'I know.' He sighed. 'But you have to remember that I'm not going to disappear. If you don't want me to. I'm seeing her but if you need someone to drag you from Hogwarts when you're too wasted to walk on your own two feet, I will still do it. And I will annoy you to death next morning, as you know.'

'Yeah', I said. For some reason I felt a bit better.


	6. To Disappear, To Appear

**A/N:** I'm always confused about if I'm ought to answer your reviews or not, since I love answering them if I have something proper to say but when there's nothing to which I should answer I just can't find enough to say, besides thank you. Well, I should probably go to the point, finally, meaning that I'm once again very grateful for your reviews and happy that you're reading :)

**Cinnamon**, I think they just can't even think about being in love with each other, even though I guess they surely must realize that there's something going on between them, and that's why they don't realize what we do :D Well, to be honest I haven't got clear image of how this story will end, yet, or how long it will take. This will contain at least about 15 chapters, but after that everything's open. Still, I don't believe I'll write about the Order years in this story. I have a few ideas of new stories that I'd like to write, and one of them involves Sirius and Remus during the Order years, so…

**The Spirit Mage**, thanks! I'm really happy to hear that you've found the atmosphere of the Marauder's Era in this story! I love writing about the Marauders, since besides Regulus and Lily the Marauders are my favorites, and writing about them I can write stories that involve all my favorite characters. Anyway, I've always had some problems trying to write pranks… I'm happy that in this story they're a bit older and aren't that interested in the pranks anymore!

**lovefan81**, to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm the one who decides when there will be some kissing in this story… Of course, I made plans when I started writing this, but as usually, in some point I noticed that the story does what it wants and I'm just following, so blame the story, not the author :D Yeah, Remus and the others seem to be a bit slow at realizing… Even though I still can't think Sirius as actual gay. Maybe that's because I can't imagine him being interested in any other boy but Remus, but still I think Sirius has got some history with liking girls and dating them.

And then the chapter…

----------------

**Chapter 6: To disappear, to appear**

It was the summer after the fifth grade and Sirius had been back in Grimmauld Place two days, when the letter came. His mother came to inform him, in a very polite and absent way in which they were interacting nowadays, that his cousins Bellatrix and Narcissa were coming to visit them within a few days. It was bad enough, because Sirius didn't like either of the girls. It was even worse, because Regulus, to whom he barely spoke anymore, regarded Narcissa as most interesting woman in a wizarding history.

But it got worse. A few hours before the girls were supposed to arrive there was a battle. Sirius was lying on his bed, reading some magazine he had got from James and kept under his wardrobe so that Kreatcher couldn't find it, when he heard his mother beginning to scream. It was quite usual, though, but this time it didn't stop and so he began to listen the words, too. It was something about filthy half-bloods who had destroyed her own relative for no reason at all and who all had to be punished. Well, it was slightly more interesting than the usual reasons for her screaming, like Kreatcher having forgotten to clean the sheets in a proper way.

When Narcissa and Bellatrix arrived, they were wearing nothing but black. Narcissa stared at Sirius like he had smelled worse than anything on the table, and Bellatrix didn't even bother to look at him. For some reason, Regulus seemed to be offended, too, and he couldn't figure out why. And then he got details: the destroyed relative had been Narcissa's and Bellatrix's uncle, who had been put to Azkaban by an Auror called John Potter, who just happened to be James' father. Sirius decided to go to his own room before Narcissa would spit on him or Bellatrix would kill him.

A few following days were quite peaceful. Sirius tried to ask Regulus if they were able to go to swim anywhere, but Regulus just glared at him and turned away. Okay, Regulus surely knew he was best friends with James Potter, so he kind of understood. And Regulus had apparently informed his mom about it, because she didn't bother to talk to him in those days more than once, when she told him to wash his hands before coming to eat.

Well, Sirius could live in silence. He wrote letters to James, Peter and Remus, to each of them separately, so it took a lot of his time, especially with his handwriting. And interpreting James' letters took a lot of time, too, because James' handwriting was even worse than his.

Two weeks after the beginning of the holiday it happened. James' owl was quite old, and for some reason it couldn't find Sirius' window but went to knock the window of his parents' bethroom. His mother opened the letter and promised to Sirius in a very fascinating way that he could either not to speak to James Potter ever again or become transformed to Durmstrang. He thought about it for a few seconds and then walked out of the door.

----------------

James looked shocked. He was still holding the door like he hadn't been sure if he wanted to let him come inside, and all the time he was staring at him.

'What the hell has happened?' James managed to say in the end. 'What are you doing here?

Sirius wasn't sure if he knew it himself. 'I got burned.'

'_What_?'

'Well, not literally.' He was trying to make sentences, he really was. It was just a bit difficult. 'We've got a family tree, you know. With our names and pictures. My mom burned me.'

'Your mom burned you', James repeated slowly. 'From your family tree. Is it… bad?'

Sirius shook his head. 'No idea. Am sorry. I just had to go somewhere.'

'_How_ did you got here?' James frowned. 'You don't have your broom, and I'm living hundred kilometers away from your place.'

'Hitchhiked.'

'You… oh, well, you have to come inside. Now. I don't have a clue what you're talking about.'

'I left', he said entering the house. He had never seen it before, but he couldn't really focus on thinking about it right now. His mind was full of things that couldn't find their place and there was still that voice in his mind, her mom shouting that she would burn him from the tapestry. Like Andromeda.

'You left?' James repeated blankly. 'Okay. You can very well visit us. I've been trying to make you do so for years, you know. When are you going back?'

'I'm not.'

'You aren't going back?'

Suddenly he felt too tired to explain anything. He had left in the morning and now it was almost midnight and it had took hours to find out where one could hitchhike and get a ride, and then he had to find a Muggle who was going to the right direction and wasn't bothered even though Sirius had a black robe on him. Fortunately he had written so many letters to James that he had remembered the address. Otherwise he should have gone to Remus' place near Manchester and that could have taken weeks.

'Your dad got one of them to Azkaban', he said when James had put him sitting on a couch in a little room that was probably supposed to be living room, even though it lacked all the dark wooden furniture, portraits on the walls and the thick carpet on the floor. 'One of my relatives. My mom knows we're friends so she wouldn't speak to me. And then your owl went to her bedroom for mistake and she read a letter and I had to go to Durmstrang and then I left. And she shouted after me and said she'd burn me off, so it's permanent. Meda was burnt off and no one's talking about her anymore. It's like she's dead.'

James was staring at him. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's not your fault. And besides, I think you should get a new owl. I don't think your old one can make it away from ho- from Grimmauld Place.'

James nodded. 'You should probably sleep on that couch. You could sleep in my room, of course, but there's only one bed there and mom and dad are already sleeping and they're going to ask some questions if I wake them up, so…'

'This is fine', Sirius said quickly. 'What were you doing awake, anyway? Waiting for your stupid friend to get kicked off his place and come to visit?'

James threw a quick glance to a bottle that was standing on the little table and a piece of paper next to it.

'Ah', Sirius said.

'I know she won't read my letters', James said, 'but I'm sort of missing her. I thought I could at least try…'

Obsessed. That was what James was, totally obsessed. Sirius rolled his eyes and felt a bit better.

'But you look like you need some sleep, so I guess I'll just go to the upstairs', James said quickly. 'I can finish it tomorrow. In fact, since you're here, you can help me.'

No, he couldn't. James trying to seduce Lily Evans was something he wouldn't participate. 'Are you parents fine with me being here? The don't come to eat something at night and find someone stranger sleeping on their couch?'

'They know how you look like', James said. 'And they're fine. I promise. Just sleep.

---------------

'James Potter!'

Sirius frowned. He had had a nice dream in which he was riding a motorcycle that could fly, and for some reason James had got Evans at least, and Remus was there, too, and they were sitting in a pub that looked really nice, and then that demanding voice just had to woke him up. And why would anyone call for James Potter, anyway?

He opened one of his eyes and it hit him immediately. He wasn't at Grimmauld Place. He was lying on James' couch and the woman staring at him had to be Anne Potter. He tried to get up, but the blood got to his head and he couldn't see anything for a moment.

'Just lie down, dear', said Mrs. Potter still staring at the upstairs like she had been waiting James to peek through the ceiling. 'You're looking quite messed. I didn't want to wake you up, but I got a little surprised.'

'I'm sorry', Sirius muttered. His voice wasn't fully awaken yet. 'I came last night. James got me in. I didn't know where else I could have gone.'

'It's alright', Mrs. Potter said but Sirius didn't know if she meant it. 'Where the heck is James? Ah, there you're. Could you please explain why Sirius Black is lying on our couch?' She threw a quick glance at Sirius. 'Not that it matters, dear.'

James was coming down the stairs his hair pointing to every possible direction. 'What's the time, mom? Too early or far too early?'

'Cut it off, his mother snapped. 'I don't care if you invite your friends to come over, but you could at least inform us. And why did you make him sleep on a _couch_? Don't you remember how aunt Michelle was complaining after we made him sleep on that last Christmas?'

'Sirius is thirty years younger', James muttered trying to get his hair to settle down. 'And I didn't know he was coming. So when he appeared to our door, it was midnight and I just thought you wouldn't want to wake up, and there was just one bed in my room.'

'Well, this is a surprise visit, then?'

James glanced at Sirius, confused. Sirius swallowed. 'I had a fight with my mom. Bad one. So I left and didn't know where else to go.'

It felt terribly empty when he said it aloud to a person who was practically a stranger to him. He had to shook his head to realize that he was really awake. He had left home and come to Potters' and now he was sitting in their living room explaining that this had been the only place he could go when his own mother had kicked him out. He didn't know if he had to laugh or cry, but he didn't feel doing either of them, so he just kept sitting silent when Mrs. Potter stared at him.

'Well', the woman said finally, 'I'm going to make some tea. James, you should get some clean clothes for Sirius.'

Anne Potter left the room. James stood still, staring at Sirius, but a small smile began to appear on his face.

'I told you she won't mind', he said. 'See? But I could bet that she's going to have a talk with you later, so get prepared.'

'I can't go back', Sirius said. 'I should try to figure out another place where to go, of course, but I can't get back. Maybe I can find Andromeda. I heard she's living somewhere near London with her Muggle-born husband.'

James shrugged. 'Or you can stay here.'

'I can't.'

'We don't mind. In fact, I couldn't get sleep right away last night and I was thinking a bit. If you aren't going back home, you should stay here.'

Sirius frowned. 'What? I didn't mean that, Prongs. I just came here for a few nights. I didn't mean that you had to le me stay or anything.'

'I know. But where would you go? You don't know where Andromeda lives and she's got a small kid, right? And you haven't seen her for years.'

'She's my cousin.'

'I'm practically your brother', James snapped. 'Peter's got quite a small house, I don't think they have a room for you. And I don't know about Remus, but he doesn't even talk about his home. I think they've got some issues there. Besides, he lives so north. And I don't mind you living here. And it won't be permanent. After a few years we're going to move on our own and - '

'Sirius! James! Breakfast's ready!'

James rolled his eyes. 'Hear that? She's already calling you before me.'

-------------------

Sirius stayed at Potters' place. Every time he began talking about finding Andromeda, James and his mother said it was a stupid idea and he was already living with them. John Potter didn't seem to mind, either, and so after a few days Sirius stopped mentioning his cousin. He and James sneaked to Grimmauld Place using the window of his bedroom, and his mother wasn't apparently thought that he could try it, because she hadn't lock it from him, and so they got in. They grabbed all the essential supplies like some motorcycle magazines and a few clothes and a photo album and some school stuff and got off, and after that it took years before Sirius went back to his ex-home.

After a few weeks he and James had a little accident that got half of Sirius' room exploded, and when Anne had been shouting at them like five minutes, Sirius began to feel being at home. James wrote letters to Peter and Remus. Peter answered with a postcard with two almost-naked blond girls and there was quite little text on the card, but Remus sent a fat, worried letter full of words that Sirius had to check out in the dictionary. He answered Remus demanding him to come to visit them, and in August Remus finally came. It was two weeks before the school would start again and Sirius was sitting in the kitchen eating the massive breakfast, when there was a quiet knock coming from the front door.

He hadn't got used to it yet. He could go to the kitchen and eat whatever he liked without feeling weird, but opening the door was quite different. Every time he did it he imagined how the person standing there would get surprised. Who was that black-haired boy that didn't really belong here? Or had James had some accident with his face as a victim? Or had the Potters' got a servant? Human-looking house-elf, maybe? So he waited for a few seconds, but when the knock was there again and every one else seemed to be still in the upstairs, Sirius stood up and reluctantly went to the door.

Remus was standing there, frowning when he opened the door.

'Morning', he said. 'I came.'

'It's you, great', Sirius said swallowing a piece of bread. 'I'm always worried if there's someone who thinks I'm a house-elf. Come here, I'm having a breakfast.'

Remus entered the house looking around quite carefully. 'Isn't there anyone else?'

'Prongs spent the last night whining over Lily, so he's not probably going to wake up this early', Sirius explained.

'It's almost midday.'

'As I told you. And I'm quite sure Mr. Potter has gone for work, and I don't really know where Mrs. Potter is. I think James has some kind of a syndrome, really. I guess Mrs. Potter is a little like Lily, at least she's as effective and demanding when she's in the mood.'

'You're eating alone?'

'Not anymore', Sirius said pushing Remus towards the kitchen. 'Do you want porridge? Mrs. Potter makes that every time even though she know I'm not going to eat it. So you can save me, Moony. Or do you want bread? We've got jam, too.'

He could feel Remus staring at his back as he went to find the jam. The boy had surely lacked company this summer. It was as he had been confused just to be near someone.

'What happened?' Remus asked suddenly.

Sirius took the jam to him and went to find some bread. It was too bad he had already eaten everything else. Besides porridge, of course. He couldn't realize how James was able to eat it every morning, and even claim that he liked it.

'Sirius', Remus sighed with his I'm-going-to-have-serious-talk-and-you-can't-stop-me-voice.

Sirius sat down and grabbed the jam. 'My mom got bored with me. It was either Durmstrang and not talking to James ever again or walking away. Of course, the last one wasn't one of her options, but I chose it, anyway.'

'Why?'

'Why what?'

Remus just stared at him. Sirius began to feel quite uncomfortable. Remus was nice, of course, he wouldn't have changed Remus into anything, except perhaps into a very shiny and brand-new motorcycle. But sometimes Remus was a bit too talkative. And he was talking about wrong issues. Like serious ones.

'We haven't been talking for years', Sirius muttered finally. 'Not after I got used to the idea of being Gryffindor and she didn't. And she's been complaining about me befriending with you guys, of course, especially James, because his father is an Auror. It was only a matter of time.'

'How about Regulus?'

'What about him?'

'What did he do?'

Sirius bit his lower lip. 'Nothing, of course. Last summer we were at least talking, but no, nothing. I don't know if he heard when I left. I didn't see him that day.'

'Haven't you talked to him ever since?'

'I was burned out off the tapestry', Sirius said hating the fact that his voice was cracking. 'They kicked me out off the family, Moony. Me and James sneaked a few days after and took some of my stuff, but that's all. I can't go there. And if I went, they'd just throw me away.'

'I'm sorry.'

Sirius tried to roll his eyes, but didn't succeed that well. 'Shut up. I don't need anyone to cry over me.'

'But it's your family.'

'Not anymore.' Sirius took a deep breath. 'Eat your porridge before it gets cold. We're going to go to swim today if James wakes up before it's dark.'

Remus nodded and ate, but kept staring at Sirius every time he though that Sirius wouldn't notice. Well, he did. And when Remus was washing his plate, he surprised them both by leaning to his shoulder and pressing his forehead to Remus' tidy, light-brown hair.

'It's just us now', he said and felt Remus tense, but it didn't matter. 'Me and you and James and Pete. So get used to it.'

'You could talk to them', Remus muttered. 'At least to Regulus. He's your bother, after all.'

'I'm doing fine, Moony', he said. 'Really. It's going to be okay.'


	7. Cinnamon and Punch

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews and sorry for being so slow at getting this chapter here…

------------------

**Chapter 7: Cinnamon and Punch**

Remus was sitting on his bed. His eyes were totally focused on staring at the light spot in Peter's trousers that were lying on a windowsill. Remus' was frowning slightly like the worried expression had been permanently tattooed on his face. I stopped to the bathroom door and for a moment I thought I could go there and leave him staring whatever he was staring at, but of course I couldn't.

I turned around to face him. 'Moony?'

He blinked. 'Padfoot.'

'What's going on? You never told you want those trousers that badly.'

He didn't even bother to fake laughing. 'Nothing. And I don't.'

'You're staring at them.'

'My eyes have to be fixed on something. It's normal.'

'Well, I'm quite sure there're more interesting things to stare at than Pete's trousers. Besides, I think they're lying on windowsill for a good reason.' I frowned when the though occurred to my mind. 'Where's Sarah?'

He shrugged. 'Don't know. Why?'

'Just thought could use a good shag.'

Now he looked at me. His expression wasn't exactly what I had hoped, but he looked angry, anyway.

'Just kidding', I added quickly, just in case. 'Is something wrong? Are you having a fight?'

'No.'

'Oh, you're.'

'I said no.'

'Yeah, and you're acting like you're undead and I said I'd shag her and you didn't neither laughed or killed me. That's serious. What's the fight about?'

I didn't really expect him to answer. I didn't even like asking, because it was Remus who always did the proper conversation thing for us all, so that when it was him who needed that it was even harder. James and Peter usually just escaped, but I couldn't.

'I can't tell her', Remus said suddenly, his eyes big and… scared? 'It's impossible, Sirius. I like her, I really do, but I can't even tell her the most important thing about me!'

'That you're snoring?'

He looked offended. 'I'm trying to talk seriously here.'

I sighed and turned to look through the window. The snow was covering all the scenery. I wondered if there was snow in Christmas in London, too. 'It's not the most important thing, Moony. She knows _you_. It's not like she doesn't know anything when she doesn't know everything about you.'

'It's too big a thing to hide.'

'Well, you're hiding it and succeeding very well', I said. 'And you're having a good relationship, anyway.'

'It could be better.'

'How?'

He stared at me. 'I'm almost lying to her. It's not real. We aren't real.'

'Well, do you want to tell her? If you want, you just have to. Take a risk that she's a coward and gets distracted.'

'I couldn't blame her even though she did.'

'You're being modest', I said and walked to him. 'Listen to me, Moony. You know I don't really enjoy talking this seriously, not especially when I've come from the Quidditch practice and I'm covered with sweat and can't make myself go to take a shower because you're sad. You're too good for her, and if she doesn't get it, it's her problem. You can tell her or not tell her or whatever you decide, but anyway, if she some day breaks up with you it has nothing to do with you being an arse.'

He watched away looking really tired. Prat. I never knew how I was supposed to make him feel better, and still I couldn't bear to watch him being sad.

'Thanks', he muttered after a moment.

I stared at him and he stared back at me. There was a bit of blood on his lower lip and he opened his mouth just a little.

'I've got to take that shower', I said and turned around.

*

Remus made up with Sarah. When I got away from the bathroom, he had already gone. I found him sitting in the common room one of his hands wrapped around the girl. He didn't look quite satisfied, anyway, but I decided not to think about it. He was probably just grieving for all the time that he had lost with her when he had been worrying over how he wasn't good enough. Stupid git.

'Padfoot', he called when I came to the doorway. 'You didn't tell how your practice was.'

'Well, I've been noticing that you find your miserable books more interesting than my noble sport, mister Lupin', I said and sat down next to him. Sarah didn't look quite happy about me being there, but I didn't really cared about that. The girl just had to cope on.

'Don't try to speak properly when you really can't', he claimed. 'And of course I'm interested. Did Prongs get a Bludger to his head because he's not here now?'

'I don't know', I shrugged. 'He muttered something about a mission and disappeared.'

Remus frowned. 'Fuck. I thought he said we're too old to add anything to the punch in Christmas Ball, but maybe - '

He shut his mouth as James walked in - or run in. He was going right behind Lily Evans, who was speeding up to reach the stairs leading to the girls' dormitory.

'Lily', James was saying, trying to catch his breath. 'Can't you even think about it?'

'I already said no', Lily claimed without turning around.

'Why?'

I glanced at Remus. He was still holding Sarah's hand and his mouth had tightened.

Lily stopped. 'Because you've asked me out thousands of times, Potter.'

'That's only Christmas Ball! And we've been out before.'

'That was Hogsmeade, and it's been almost three months.'

'What's wrong with that? Or Christmas Ball? Don't you want the entire school to see you with me, is that what it is?'

I frowned. Evans didn't look as tough as she could have been. She was looking at him quite… kindly? I tried to look at Remus and see if he was seeing that too, but he was staring at them too focused.

'Maybe that's exactly what it is', Lily said. I wondered if she didn't get that the whole common room, meaning me, Remus, Sarah and a few second-graders, was staring at them or if she just didn't care. 'We've been almost friends, James. Is this why you let it happen? That you wanted to show the whole school that you've finally managed to hit on me?'

'No!' James barked. 'I just want to go to Christmas Ball with you!'

'Surely', Lily said, 'so that you can think you're a winner and that's it.'

'That's what?'

'Us!'

'_What?_'

I have to admit: I was really on James' side, and that wasn't only because he was my best friend. Evans was being so difficult that I almost felt sorry for James. Besides, I didn't understand a word Evans was saying.

'So there is something you call "us"?' James asked with a careful voice. Lily had grabbed the doorframe and was holding onto it with her knuckles going white.

'Well, there isn't apparently anymore, if everything you care about is some fucking Christmas Ball', Lily said, but she didn't sound as angry as before, either.

James shook his head, disbelieving expression on his face. 'You're daft, Lily Evans. Totally daft. I've been trying to make you like me for years and now you're trying to say that all I care about is Christmas Ball?'

'I'm a prize, right?' she said, looking suddenly quite sad. _Really_ sad, in fact. 'The girl you're trying to hit on for years and now you've won.'

James looked confused. 'Am I?'

'I'm not going to go to Christmas Ball with you', Lily muttered. 'Don't you see? Then you've got what you wanted and you have six months left to chase after someone else until the school ends.'

'Well, what if we make a deal?' James said, sounding suddenly excited like he had wanted to jump or scream but had tried not to. 'You're coming to Christmas Ball with you and I'll still try to hit on you the whole spring?'

Lily watched him. 'What're you trying to say?'

'That you aren't just a prize and I'm not going to give up until we are married.' James looked quite terrified after realizing what he had just said. A few seconds and his whole face was covered with shining red colour. 'Or, well, I think we should talk about that in… private.'

'You suck at having speeches, Potter', Lily said watching around her like she would have seen us all for the first time. 'I'll wait for you seven o'clock in the common room tomorrow. Don't be late.'

She turned around and disappeared within few seconds. James stood still staring after the stairs where she had gone, his mouth open and eyes totally confused.

'Prongs?' Remus called smiling.

James turned to look at him. 'Did she just… what the heck was she trying to say?'

'I'm not sure', Remus said. 'But I'm quite sure you're going to go to Christmas Ball with her.'

'I am?'

'Seven o'clock, tomorrow night. Dress robe or black shirt or whatever you prefer, but get that hair of yours into a proper condition.'

'My hair', James repeated very slowly. 'Lily Evans…'

'Is Christmas Ball tomorrow?' I asked Remus. 'I've got to find a girl.'

Remus looked surprised and somewhat… well, I suck at trying to interpret his expressions, anyway. 'You don't have a partner?'

'No. I wasn't thinking about it. Does Pete have a girl?'

'Yes', Remus said. 'Maria Brown. Looks like Prongs isn't the only one who finally got lucky.'

'Don't forget yourself', said Sarah, kissing him on his cheek.

He looked at me and smiled in sort of a wicked way. Probably he was just thinking what he and Sarah could do after the stupid Ball was over and I would be drunk and miserable and Peter would be shagging Maria Brown and James would be trying to convince Lily Evans to hold hands with him and the dormitory would be all empty. But his smile was still rather weird.

*

I managed to find Susie in the library. She was sitting in a corner her reddish blond hair falling to his face and big, fat book lying on the table in front of her. There were two other girls, too, a thick, brown-haired girl with spectacles and a small one who was scratching her eye. I couldn't remember their names.

'Hi, Susie', I said when I got near enough. 'Is it too late to ask you to come to the Ball with me?'

All the three girls turned to stare at me. The small girl had quite intensive eyes, green and striking. And the brown-haired was really pretty. I should have remembered her name, I knew it.

'Sorry', Susie said, 'but you're a bit too late, really.'

'So you're going with someone else?'

She nodded. 'You should have asked me before.'

I frowned. 'Yeah, I know. Sorry. I didn't realize it was so near. Well, do you two have partners?'

The brown-haired girl looked surprised. Susie seemed to be trying to hold her laughter, but I didn't really care.

'Yeah', the brown-haired one said. 'Sorry, Sirius. I'm sure you'll find someone.'

'I'm not', I said. 'What are your names? I'm sorry, I've got a bad memory for front names.'

'Melissa and Amber', said the small one.

Susie threw me with a pen. I frowned, but she just kept looking irritated, so I decided it was better go away before I got that fat book colliding with my head.

'Okay, I just have to go then, I guess', I said quickly. 'Bye.'

I got to the library door beforeSusie was standing next to me. She pushed me through the door and then grabbed my hand and took me forward. I didn't really try to stop him. She was either annoyed with me or there was some snogging to happen. Both cases were probably inevitable.

'What's wrong with you?' Susie asked holding still my hand and dragging me forward. 'You fancied Amber a few years ago. I tried to got you together. Even though you have got over her, you should even remember her name! And what's that nonsense about not realizing that Christmas Ball is tomorrow? It's been all over the school! Everyone's talking about it!'

She stopped to stare at me. I sighed and leaned against the wall behind my back. It was cold and wet but for some reason, that was quite relaxing.

'Not when it comes to us. James' talking about Lily, Pete's talking about whatever and Remus' talking about school. No one bothered to tell me it's already tomorrow.'

'I'm not going to believe that. Do you have some issues? Are you still jealous of your friends dating?'

'Remus is the only one dating.'

'Well, are you jealous of him?'

'You should ask if I'm jealous of her, remember?'

'I know what I'm asking.'

I swallowed. 'So, Amber? The thick one? I was sure I knew her.'

'You've got holes in your head, Black. Something's wrong.'

I shook my head. 'Why do you even care? It's my head. If I don't remember some girl's name or that there's a Christmas Ball coming, why should you care?'

'Because I'm your friend', Susie said and for a moment I was afraid she would hit me. 'Even though you don't seem to remember it, either. When was the last time you spoke to me? October?'

'It's not like I've been avoiding you.'

'No, of course not', she said and didn't suddenly sound angry anymore. 'It's like you don't even remember I exist. And I can live with that, but you have to do something before you forget your own name.'

'You aren't being serious.'

'No, you aren't', she said and patted me on my shoulder. 'Okay, I won't bother you anymore. We could dance a few dances tomorrow, right? If you happen to remember.'

'I'm not that bad.'

'Yeah, surely', she said.

*

Going alone to your last Christmas Ball would have probably been quite miserable, if I had thought it a bit more. Well, I didn't. I was working too hard to make James stay sane until seven o'clock when he was supposed to meet Lily.

'He's quite pale', Peter said from the window sill where he was sitting, smelling his sleeves and trying to check if they were okay. 'Do you think Maria likes flowers?'

'If she's into girls', I said. 'Ask Remus. He's better in charms than I am.'

'You've all daft', Remus said, thinking which flavour would help Peter to get close to Maria Brown. 'The ocean?'

'Too much nature', I snapped. 'And you're saying that only because you've the only one who's taken. Prongs, try to breathe.'

'I have to go to the bathroom', James muttered.

'Cinnamon? That goes with Christmas', Remus suggested. 'And no, you're the only one who's not taken, Padfoot. What happened to Susie Thomas? I though you were quite close.'

'Cinnamon's for food. And Susie Thomas didn't happen, because I forgot to ask her in time. And I meant taken permanently.'

'Who knows if I'm taken permanently, either', Remus said.

'Permantently, not eternally', I corrected him. 'What? Is there some problems in the paradise?'

'Cinnamon's fine, Moony', Peter called. 'Do the charm. I think I'm smelling more like rose every second.'

'Wait for a moment, this is a bit complicated.' Remus said. 'And no problems. Just, well, nothing's too sure.'

'You're paranoid.'

'You're getting old. Don't you like Susie, then?'

'I told you. I forgot.'

'I don't remember you forgetting anything involving me. Why Susie?'

'Remus! The carm!' Peter barked.

'I don't fancy her that way, you know', I said. 'Or she's really nice, of course. And I'd surely shag her if she just let me. But I'm not in love with her.'

'I'm in love with Lily', said James, who had apparently got out of the bathroom. He was still looking pale, anyway. 'What's the time?'

'You've got twenty minutes still, Prongs', Remus told him. 'Well, I don't know if I can say I'm in love with Sarah. Maybe it's not essential.'

'Moony, this smell isn't cinnamon, it's gingerbread.'

'Gingerbread's made of cinnamon, Wormtail.'

'How isn't it essential?' I frowned. 'Why're you seeing her, then? Just for shagging?'

He looked quite annoyed. 'Shut up, Padfoot. You know that I'm not.'

'Why, then?'

'I like her.'

'Well, that's obvious. I like many people I don't date.'

'That's not the same thing', Remus said. 'Prongs, that's the third time you're going to bathroom.'

'My stomach hurts…'

'It's not going to get any better', Remus said. 'Fifteen minutes left. Maybe we should go to the common room to wait for Lily. Sirius, where're you clothes?'

'Are you blind?'

'Well, your clothes for Christmas Ball, then?' he said. I wondered if he was looking a little weird, too. It was hard to see, when all you could compare him with was James and Peter. 'Take that black shirt. It's far better than pullover.'

I sighed and undressed. He grabbed on James' shoulders and pushed him to the stairs. Peter followed them smelling his sleeves and muttering something about Christmas cakes and allergies. For a moment I thought if I could lock myself to the bathroom and stay there, but then the moment went away and I followed them to the common room.

*

'What's there in that punch?' Remus asked.

'Where have you put Sarah?'

He smiled at me. The ceiling of the Great Hall was quite astonishing today, full of bright stars and the full moon in the middle. I wondered if the star light was reflecting on his face, because his eyes looked somewhat deeper today.

'He's dancing with Michael Bell', Remus answered and laughed to my expression. 'No, she's not going to run away with him. I totally trust her.'

'Well, the punch, then', I said. 'James might think that we're too adults to distract Snape from being a jerk, but we can still make everyone a little happier.'

Remus glanced at the glass he was holding onto. 'Ah. Well, I guess that explains why I'm feeling quite dizzy.'

'No, that's your brain smelting.'

'You know, this is sort of beautiful', he said maybe a bit more seriously, looking at the ceiling. 'The full moon, I mean. It looks quite real.'

'Isn't it disturbing?'

'Not really. Maybe it's because of the punch. Anyway, I like seeing it. I never get to see for real. Can you imagine? If I wanted to go for a walk with Sarah, you know, it's all so romantic to go for a walk when there's full moon in the sky, well, I couldn't.'

'Doesn't she guess it?'

He swallowed and shook his head. 'No. She thinks she can trust me, poor girl. She believes all my lies.'

'All the funerals and that stuff.'

'Yeah. She didn't notice even though aunt Mary died twice. She just comforted me.'

'In her way.'

'Yeah.'

He stared to the dance floor. Stars were surely shining quite brightly, because I could see the light going across Susie's hair when she was dancing dark-haired Ravenclaw whose name I couldn't remember. They were quite close to each other. A bit further away James had wrapped his arms to Lily's waste like he had been scared to death to lose her. Well, he probably was.

'I can't imagine you dating her', Remus said.

'Who? Lily?'

He hit me into my ribs. 'If that's what you're dreaming of, I guess I have to tell James. I hope you'll survive.'

'Thanks. Susie, then?'

'Yeah.' He took a deep breath. 'She's nice, I know, but it just… I can't imagine you having a relationship.'

'I couldn't imagine you having a relationship', I said, 'until you did.'

He nodded. 'It's weird, isn't it? Sometimes I just get panicked because of all that, you know, growing old and the war waiting for us and James being so in love with Lily.'

'Speaking of which', I said, 'I guess he's going to make some procress today.'

'I though Lily already almost told she fancies him - _what's happening there?_'

'Exactly', I said.

The band was playing some old love song that had nothing to do with walz, but James and Lily were dancing, anyway. We watched how James was stroking her hair and then pulled her closer, and for a moment I thought Lily was going to hit him, but she didn't. Instead of it, she kissed him.

'I think I'm going to need more of that punch', Remus said.

*  
**  
**When I woke up in the morning my head was aching like someone had hit me with a Bludger. Well, I wasn't surprised. I hold my head with my two hands when I stumbled to the bathroom. Washing my face didn't help, nor did the cold shower, but at least I was now totally awaken with my headache. When I got back to the dormitory, the first thing I realized was that Peter was lacking his pants. Okay, the others might be sleeping, but I was going to have some breakfast, anyway.

I got to the common room before I had to stop. The couch had two people on it, and those people happened to be James and Lily, tightly wrapped together with their own arms and legs. Well, at least they had all clothes on.

'Prongs?'

I felt almost sorry to wake him up, but just almost. At first he looked confused and there were a grimace on his face, but then he got it. His face turned into a big, stupid smile and for a moment I wondered how Lily was being able to breathe.

'Morning', James said quietly, his voice cracking. 'Don't wake her up. I want to stay here forever.'

'I know, mate. How about breakfast?'

'Not in this century.'

'Your eternity is too long', I said and then pointed her. 'How did you guys end up here?'

'To the couch in the common room?' he asked. Well, of course he had to say it aloud with that stupid smile of his'. 'Well, I'm not sure. We kissed a few times and then a few more and then we came back here and decided to sit down and talk for a moment before going to sleep, and then we were kissing again and I think we just fell asleep. Pads, I think she likes me.'

I glanced at Lily, who had pressed her face against James chest. 'Well, it's quite possible. Keep your hopes up. I'm going to have that breakfast now.'

'Poor Moony', James said. 'He and Sarah came a bit after us. They had just one quick good night kiss.'

I frowned. 'You know what? I think Moony's going to wake up now. I need some sensible company for my breakfast.'

'Right', James said staring at the back of Lily's head. 'I'm coming later. Do you think she would come to my place for New Year's Eve?'

'For what?'

'For the party. Mom has invited some relatives and some other people. You have to say to Remus and Peter that they're coming, too.'

'Why won't you say it yourself?'

'I'm busy.'

'Right.' I glanced at Lily. I had a weird feeling that she only pretended to sleep. 'Are you sure you're in love with her? I think she snores.'

'I'm madly in love with her', James said, offended. 'You had better just mind your own business. And you're spending the Christmas with us, right?'

'I've got my own flat now, you know. The one I bought last summer.'

'Yeah, with your uncle's money. But it's in Diagon Alley and that's too far away and you can't spend your Christmas there, prat. In fact, mom doesn't let you even considerate it, so forget it right away. You're coming home.'

I nodded. James might not have seen it, because he was stroking Lily's hair quite intensively, but it didn't really matter. I went to check if Remus had woken up.


	8. Explosion and Collision

**A/N: **Thank you for the reviews :) I was so happy to see that you're still reading, even though publishing the latest chapter took so much time :D

-----------

**Chapter 8: Explosion and Collision**

The Christmas was snowy. James' parents left the house in Christmas evening to visit his grandparents, who couldn't make it to the Potters' place, anymore. I guess we should have been there, too, but last year I had happened to sort of burn James' grandmother's favorite carpet and that's probably why Mrs. Potter suggested that we would stay in the house and take care of it.

Well, we did. We watched TV James had bought when Lily had been talking about it, but I couldn't surely understand what was so great in it, because all we could see was some snow raining. I wonder how Muggles can make it even to their thirties, if they have such boring activities. Well, afterwards we got a few bottles from James' wardrobe and lay on the room of the living room and watched the ceiling. It was quite good Christmas, after all.

------------

I was almost sure that Potters' house had somehow grown, but when I tried to prove it to James, he just kept laughing. Of course, I was still right. The house _was_ bigger than normally. It didn't have more rooms or anything, but there was much more space everywhere, the living room was larger and there were more chairs and even the garden looked somehow bigger tonight.

'Doesn't it look great?' I heard Mrs. Potter asking over her shoulder, as she passed me by when I was glaring at the living room. 'That's why I keep on telling you to clean. The place's so much better when it isn't that messy.'

I shrugged. 'Is the living room, er, a bit bigger?'

She burst into a short laughter. 'No, Sirius. It's just clean. Go change your clothes.'

I frowned. She looked annoyed, but in quite uncommon way. Maybe that was due to her clothes - she didn't usually wear dark blue velvet robes. I knew both James' parents were quite old, but tonight Anne Potter seemed much younger than usually. 'You aren't going to welcome our guests in jean, Sirius, are you?'

'Well, I thought - '

'Great. Go get that shirt you bought last summer, you know, that black one. It's tidy enough. Or of course you can take your dress robe, if you want to.'

'I'll take that shirt.'

James was sitting on his bed, when I entered his room. At first I thought he was staring at his own reflection on the mirror trying to think if he was looking good enough to meet Lily, but then I realized he was watching through the window. I tried to follow his gaze, but there was nothing but a darkening night and snow falling slowly from the sky. It looked like outside the time had been going more slowly than inside.

'Do you really think she's coming?' James asked. His voice was calm but tense.

'You invited her and she promised to come.'

'I still can't believe it.' He shook his head. 'I almost thought that I were dreaming, when I woke up with her in the common room, you know, before we left for Christmas break. I've been trying to get her to talk to me for five years, and now it's happening and I just can't realize that it's true.'

'That girl's always made you daft.'

'Thanks a lot', he laughed but got serious soon enough. 'I keep on thinking that it's some kind of a joke and she's just taking revenge.'

'By kissing you? Doesn't seem the best way to me.'

'It's the best way', James sighed.

I closed my eyes for a second. The house was so silent that I could almost imagine hearing the snow landing to the frozen ground. It was hard to believe that few hours later the house would be full of people.

'You could always ask her', I said, leaning to the window sill. 'But really, I don't think she's tricking. You've just finally got her. Enjoy.'

James laughed. 'Well, if you're right, I surely will. Can you believe that it's New Years' Eve again?'

'Yeah. Happens every year.'

'And we're still here. And no one knows where we'll be next year this time. Of course, I'll probably be here, of filling the England with red-haired children, and maybe Remus will be somewhere with Sarah - ' he stopped. I heard him taking a deep breath. 'Padfoot, you should fall for someone. Really. I know that you're annoyed about Remus and Sarah getting serious - '

'Am not.'

'You are, and that's okay, really. I get it. Remus is much more boring company when he's with Sarah. But he's happy.'

'Well, good for him, and I don't understand what that has to do with me.'

He rolled his eyes. 'I don't even remember when you've fancied a girl. Seriously.'

'Last year', I suggested.

'Who?'

'Er', I started trying to find a name. 'Amber… something. Brown hair, nice face, thick…'

'I doesn't count if you don't remember her surname', James said cruelly and I was already trying to figure out a good answer, when he suddenly shrugged. 'Well, the problem is yours. But if Lily's not making the year's best and last prank to me but really fancies me, I swear to Merlin that I'm not going to be single next year. And who knows if I get as boring as Moony.'

'He's not boring. He just has other things to do. With Sarah.'

'Which means that he's boring', James claimed. 'But his our Moony, anyway, and besides, I think he's here in five minutes. And Peter, too.' Suddenly his face lost its color. 'And Lily. Shit. Is my hair good?'

'Your hands are shaking.'

'Makes a good impression if we shakes hands', he said. 'Now I'm not going to think anything serious before this year's over. Get off and change your clothes, dog. You aren't going to wear jeans, are you?'

I rolled my eyes, turning to the door. 'You may pretend being a rebellion, but you're still just like your mom, Potter.'

-------------

In thirty minutes Potter's suddenly large living room wasn't empty anymore. I couldn't help thinking that _everyone_ was there.

Or at least everyone. I couldn't see any of my relatives, except Andromeda and her Muggle-born husband Ted Tonks, who had got married in some Muggle Church a few years ago and who I had met a few times ever since. I still remembered how I used to play with Andromeda when neither of us was burnt of the family. Andromeda had been stubborn and far too easy to get offended, but I had preferred her to her sisters, anyway. And now she was walking hands in hands with that brown-haired, tall man that broad shoulders and quite striking eyes, as if he had been trying to say that he would knock out anyone who would try to disturb him or his wife.

'Ted looks like he thinks someone's going to steal you', I said to Andromeda, when we had ended up standing in the balcony and watching the snow that was still falling down.

She laughed. It was quite strange, really, looking at her, when I couldn't really place her anywhere. She had belonged to my former life, and it made me a little nervous to see someone with Black's eyes and chin being in Potters' house without anyone trying to hex her. It was even weirder, because her blond hair was now cut short and she wasn't wearing any clothes that would have been associated with pure-blood families but a purple Muggle dress. Somehow, she belonged to both of my two worlds and even though it was somehow fascinating, I tried to avoid looking at her. It just made me think too much.

'I guess that glance has become a habit, then', she said after a moment, her voice surprisingly serious. 'Ted's got loads of letters from my parents. I've got them, too, but for him it's much stranger. I knew good enough to wait them when I made my decision. He's not got used to having a whole family that hates him for no reason.'

'But he's coping with it, right?'

Andromeda shrugged and then looked at me. 'You know, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm doing that well myself. But I didn't have a chance, did I?'

I frowned. 'Didn't you?'

She turned to stare the falling snow again. 'Not really. I've been thinking of it, especially when I miss my sisters or home or my parents or even the whole world I abandoned. And still I can't feel sorry, because I'd do it again. I'd have to do.'

'Why?'

'It's not about choices, Sirius', she said quietly. 'I don't believe in choices that much. For some reason I fell in love with Ted and because my parent's wouldn't let me marry him, I had to run away.'

'You could have stayed.'

'No. You can't stop yourself from falling in love, Sirius. It's not something you choose. And when it's happens, and if that person happens to love you back… you're out of choices.'

I took a deep breath. The music was growing behind us and I could see people talking more and more loudly as the night got forward. Outside it was still silent enough to hear my own mind, thoughts that were slowly falling in front of my eyes as the snow.

'I don't believe that', I said finally. 'We can always choose.'

Andromeda smiled. 'Well, I guess that's much healthier way to believe. I just can't think so. Do you think you had a choice?'

I was already opening my mouth. I could feel 'yes' forming on my tongue but suddenly I couldn't just say it. I watched her as she smiled at me and shrugged. 'Well, I guess I have to go find my rebellious husband before he kills anyone because of the sheer frustration.'

'Maybe we should think it's encouraging', I said my mind still staying elsewhere. 'We've got it in our blood, you know, the ability to make people annoyed to death.'

'But we aren't burning anyone off the family tapestry or sending angry letters to them', she reminded me.

'Wait until you have children and they're admiring their beloved aunts', I said. 'I really think Ted looks quite frightening. And I'm quite sure Mrs. Potter agrees with me.'

'Shit', Andromeda slipped before we went to rescue poor mrs. Potter from Ted Tonks, who was holding her arm and explaining something with quite effective gestures.

I turned to watch the garden. The door clicked behind me and I thought Andromeda had gone, until I heard quiet voice behind me.

'We'll continue talking about choices when you fall in love, Sirius', Andromeda said and then left the balcony for real.

Well, that wasn't going to happen. The conversation was over.

-------------------

'Padfoot?'

I turned around. Remus was staring at me, smiling slightly. I let my gaze wander across the room, but I couldn't see Sarah anywhere.

'I'm not dragging her everywhere, you know', Remus said slightly irritated.

'Didn't thought so', I shrugged and then felt a broad grin growing on my face. 'Your mom picked your clothes, right?'

'Shut up. It's not my fault that I'm not good with parties.'

''Cause you've got too few.'

'Well, probably', he admitted. 'Is there something wrong with my clothes? Mom claimed that it would be okay not to wear a robe.'

'Nothing's wrong, you just surprised me', I said fast, before he would go and change or something. 'You just rarely dress up that carefully. Well, that's probably because you haven't your mom in Hogwarts. Come on, you've got to meet somebody.'

Remus frowned. 'I already met James and Peter and I thought I saw Lily, but she was going into another direction, and - Sirius, that's not somebody! That's just punch!'

'Well thought, Lupin. Now drink.'

'You've put something here.'

'No, fire whiskey's still in Prongs' wardrobe waiting for the midnight, when Mr. and Mrs. Potter are too happy to realize anything. But punch is really good, too.'

Remus took a glass quite hesitating. I glared around to check if I could see Peter somewhere, but I couldn't see him anywhere. James had disappeared, too. Of course, if everything was going well with Evans, I wouldn't probably even want to see him anymore this year.

'What're you grinning at?' Remus asked.

'Just thinking about James. Lily agreed to come here tonight, and I'm just wondering what they're doing right now. Why didn't you brought Sarah, by the way?'

He stared at me. 'Are you disappointed?'

'What kind of conclusion is that? Sorry, mate, but if I wanted to hit on my friends' girlfriends I would pick Lily.' I shrugged. 'And I was just thinking. You two seem so close.'

'I didn't know if she was invited.'

'You could have invited her.'

'Maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I wanted to spend New Year's Eve with my friend instead.'

I swallowed. 'It's a shame that James' got that girl, then. And that Peter's disappeared. There's only two of us left, then.'

Remus shrugged. 'I'm not complaining, really. And I could bet that Lily won't be tolerate enough to bare to be with James for the whole night, so we'll have him with us before the midnight for sure.'

'It's only an hour away', I warned him. 'Maybe he - '

And that was when the front door was exploded.

------------------------

I don't remember how the things went exactly, but somehow Potters' front door had disappeared with a loud explotson and I was couching smoke out off my lungs. Somehow I recognized Remus shouting something, but I couldn't understand what he was saying and then he was already dragging me away from the middle of the room. We stumbled until we made it to the kitchen doorway. I leaned against the door and for a moment everything I could hear was Remus' hard breaths. Then I realized.

People were screaming and shouting, someone was pushing children to the kitchen and everyone I could see were having their wands on their hands. I closed my fingers around my own but didn't feel any better, when I saw the first hex hitting on the Death Eater that had stood entered the house first. There was already a wizard with black beard lying unconscious on the floor and I couldn't remember how he had ended up being there. Remus was leaning on my arm and I could feel his fingers going throw my sleeve and digging into my skin and it felt surprisingly good. It made me feel alive.

There was a short burst of black sparkles that passed me. I tried to drag Remus aside, but he had already run back to the room. I tried to hit the nearest Death Eater with the first charm that came into my mind. A man behind the mask just laughed and raised his own wand, and then I saw him fall to the floor Andromeda half-grinning and half-grimacing behind his fallen body.

'Thanks!' I shouted at her.

'Get away from here, Sirius!' she screamed and jumped aside to escape a curse aimed to her.

There was a loud crash and I watched the bookshelf falling down next to the place Remus had been standing just before.

'Why're they here?'

'WATCH OUT!' someone screamed and I bent down just in time to get away from a curse. I recognized Mrs. Potter's voice when he shouted a charm that made the Death Eater fall unconscious to the floor.

'I don't know!' Andromeda shouted. 'We've got to get out! They're trapping us here!'

'Where's Remus?'

There was another loud crash. I tried to kept my head from imagining how the wall would fall down and -

Andromeda pushed me to the kitchen door. I tried to glance across my shoulder to see Remus, and then I heard his voice from somewhere ahead of us, and turning to look ahead I saw that they had already got around us. There were too many of them, I hadn't got time to count, only escape from a curse thrown at me and crash with Remus, who tried to drag me to the another direction only to see that the door was lost. I smelled blood and smoke.

I don't know how long it took. We fought and they fought and I had never been that scared. The feeling made my veins and my mind burn and everything I wanted was to stay alive, and I couldn't think of anything else. A few times I saw James or Peter and wondered where they had come from, and it was like the end of the world and the worlds' worst fairytale at the same time.

And then there was a loud voice coming from the front door and I dropped my wand and had to jump to the floor to pick it before someone would kill me, and when I got back to my feet the room - if it could be called to a room anymore, it was more like broken furniture and walls and smoke - was full of Aurors. I heard someone calling my name but couldn't figure out who it was, and then someone hit my back and everything went black.

-----------------------

My head felt like it had been cut into two parts and then brought back together by someone who didn't know what he was doing. I tried to catch my breath but it tasted like ash, and my lungs were burning and I tried to cough but it didn't help.

'Padfoot?'

I opened my eyes slowly. It hurt, too and the grey ceiling seemed a bit too bright. Then I felt someone touching my arm slightly and turned to glare at the boy who was lying next to me his light brown hair falling to his face sweaty and sticky.

'You've got blood on your face, Moony', I said slowly. Well, at least speaking didn't hurt, if one didn't count the fucking headache.

Remus stared at me his blue eyes big. His expression was calm, but there was something in him that couldn't be hidden. It probably happens when you're first scared to death and then realize that you're still alive.

'What happened?' I asked. 'The Aurors came, but I can't remember anything more.'

'Someone hit you unconscious', Remus said in a low voice. 'They didn't last long, the Death Eaters, I mean, not after the Aurors appeared. Someone took us here, I guess. I can't put all the pieces together, really.'

'Where're we?' I had to close my eyes again. My head didn't just like the light.

'In James' parents' bedroom. It's almost morning, I think. I went to the toilet a while ago and the others were downstairs, cleaning.'

'There's still James' parents' bedroom?' It felt good.

'Yeah. Everything downstairs is pretty much gone, anyway. But they didn't have time to get upstairs and the walls didn't break. At least, not all of them.'

I took a deap breath when the idea finally occurred into my mind. 'Who's dead?'

'I don't know', he whispered. 'Haven't heard anyone had died. James' aunt lost his arm, and David Vance is… bad. Pete and James and Lily are alright. Pete was in the garden with his mom and they went for help, even though the Aurors were already coming, anyway… And James and Lily were upstairs. James tried to make Lily stay there, but she wouldn't. But they're alive.'

'How about… them?'

I tensed when he touched my arm weakly. 'The Aurors got two, there will be a trial and they'll probably end up in Azkaban.' He took a deep breath. 'I don't think they're are your relatives.'

I felt my whole body relaxing. It felt absurd when everything in me was still aching, but I couldn't help it. We were all alive. I didn't have to go visit anyone in Azkaban. There was ash in my mouth but it didn't really matter.

There was a weak thump and then I felt Remus leaning his forehead against my shoulder. I could hear him breathing hard but steadily. I inhaled deeply and squeezed his arm.

Someone stopped at the door.

I could feel Remus tense and back away.

'You aren't sleeping anymore, are you?' James cracking voice asked hesitatingly.

'No', Remus answered calmly. 'I haven't been sleeping for a few hours. Sirius just woke up.'

I forced my eyes to open just to see James nod. 'Yeah. It's six in the morning. I don't know if you're hungry, but if you want, there's some breakfast in the kitchen.'

'There's still a kitchen?'

I could see a slight hint of a smile going across James' face before it disappeared again. 'Yeah. My mom's a quick cleaner. Of course the kitchen is quite empty at the moment, but there's a table and a few chairs. And people. The Aurors have gone away, but Lily's still her, and so is your cousin, Sirius.'

'Who?'

'Andromeda.'

Oh. 'What's she doing here?'

'Wanted to wait for you to wake up. You're apparently her favorite cousin.'

'Well, I'm the only one who's not a total ass', I said, trying to grin, but it turned out to be impossible. 'Do you think the jam's survived, James? I'm a bit nauseous but I think I could handle toasted bread and jam.'

James laughed. This time it sounded almost genuine. 'I guess the jam's fine. Can you get to your feet?'

'I'm helping', Remus said. I couldn't understand when he had stood up, but there he were, glaring at me from the heights. The I felt his hand wrapped around my shoulders and soon I was leaning against his shoulder.

'I'm too heavy, Moony', I muttered. 'You'll fall.'

'Shut up', he snapped. 'You'll get that jam, poodle.'

'Am not.'

'Sirius!'

I blinked. Andromeda was waiting for us in downstairs her arms crossed on her chest. She was staring at us when we stumbled down the stairs and finally hit the floor.

'I see I can't escape from you', I said to her hoping to make her grin, even slightly, but instead of it, she hugged. Remus backed away and for a moment I thought I was going to fall again, but then she was holding me onto my shoulders and I couldn't have fallen even if I had wanted to.

'If you had got yourself killed, I had done it for them', Andromeda snapped. 'Watch out, cousin. You don't want to stand in the midway.'

I blinked. 'That's where you think I'm standing?'

She shook her head slowly, sad expression on her face. 'No, I guess. And I'm quite sure that blue-eyed friend of yours won't let me have any serious talk with you at the moment, but I have to say something. There's a war going on, and this is only the beginning. If you're fighting for the Ministry or Dumbledore, you'll be fighting against them.'

'Them', I repeated blankly. 'Aren't you?'

'Yes. But I'm quite a lot older than you're. You're still at school. And you've run away from home, not married a Muggle-born and got kicked out.'

'They won't have me back', I snapped. 'Nor would I go back.'

'What if you're the one who puts one of them to Azkaban?'

I was already opening my mouth, when I felt someone grabbing my arm.

'Finish it, Mrs. Tonks, please', Remus' calm voice said. 'You're right, you aren't having that conversation with him today. Besides, I'm quite sure there's porridge waiting for him.'

'And jam', said James.

Andromeda shrugged, but kept on glaring at me. 'Well, we'll talk later. Just think about it, Sirius. Don't rush. You've got to know what you're doing.'

'I haven't got a choice', I said.

----------------------

The kitchen wasn't clean. However, there was a table and a few chairs, as James had promised, and there was also some porridge and jam and even though I was still a bit nauseous, I found out that eating made me feel slightly better. Andromeda had left and I tried not to think her or things she had said, but they kept coming back to my mind. Regulus was barely sixteen, he wouldn't be joining Death Eaters soon, but my whole family would stand against Voldemort, anyway. If the war kept going on, I could end up trying to get my little brother to Azkaban.

'What're you thinking?' Remus asked quietly. He was talking next to me, not eating anything himself but watching me to eat. It felt oddly comforting.

'Jam.'

He smiled slightly. 'It's good to have something to fight for.'

I added and threw a big glance at him. There was still that bloody spot on his left cheek and there were two scars going across his chin. They looked kind of good on him. Tough, but still not tough.

'Lily? Porridge?' I heard James asking and turned just to see how red-haired girl embraced him closely and leaned her head against his shoulder.

'Jam, dear?' suggested Mrs. Potter with warm smile on her face.

'I'm not hungry, thanks', Lily said backing away from James and flushing hard. However, James' hand were wrapped around her waist so that she couldn't get so far away from the boy. She didn't seem to mind.

'Well, I guess Sirius will cope on with it', Mrs. Potter said, shrugging. 'I should probably go and help John to check if goldfish are still alive, and if they are, where the heck they've gone.'

-----------------


	9. Interruptions and Discussions

**A/N: **Thank you so much for your reviews! I'm sorry, again, for being so late with updating. I'm trying to improve with that, though :)

-----

**Chapter 9: Interruptions and Discussions**

'What're you saying?' Peter asked confused. 'Lily and Sarah don't come along?'

James shrugged. 'Well, apparently. We just tried to play Wizard Chess yesterday, me and Lily and Remus and Sarah. They kept on snapping at each other, you know, not anything too insulting but it went worse and worse. Then Remus said he wanted to go for a walk and they left.'

'But why? They're both girls!'

'Wormtail, I'll tell you a secret', I said from my bed where I was lying on my back watching the ceiling. 'Girls don't automatically like each other. Besides, they don't have a secret society in which they discuss how to make us more miserable.'

'Well, I guess that's only Maria, then', Peter muttered.

'Something's wrong?'

'Nothing, really. She just doesn't seem to be able to decide if she likes me or if she doesn't. I thought it was a good sign that she would go to Christmas Ball with me, but now I've been trying to chat with her and she's just absent.'

'Back luck', James said shrugging. 'Maybe she's just confused.'

'I don't care. So, how was your walk, Moony?'

'What?' Remus was sitting on a corner with a fat book that smelled of library and old coffee. I had tried it once.

'The walk you and Sarah went for after she had been not getting along with Lily', Peter reminded him. 'Did you really go out?'

'No. We just walked the corridors a bit.'

'I knew it!'

Remus sighed. 'We didn't have sex. I don't tend to shag anyone in empty corridors, even though someone apparently do it.'

I glanced at Peter and James, who were staring at each other with suspicious looks.

'Well, I can't really say that I'd gone further than just kissing with Lily', James said. 'We started dating only two weeks ago.'

'In New Year's Eve?' Peter asked. 'What was happening in Christmas Ball, then?'

'It's called unofficial snogging', I mentioned and tried to see if Remus was listening to the conversation. He had frown and his eyebrows looked quite funny when he was apparently trying to get some difficult part of the book to his head.

'Moony? How did you and Sarah end up there?' James asked.

'Where?' Remus turned the page.

'Having sex.'

He flinched. It looked quite amusing, really, when flushed just enough to make him a bit less pale. 'Well, it just happened.'

'When?'

'You're too curious, Prongs', Remus sighed, but didn't stop. 'After we got back to school in the autumn. We hadn't seen each other for a month, you know. And there was quite a good Friday night.'

'Did you talk about it beforehand?' James frowned. 'I don't think I'd ever dare to mention it to Lily. If she didn't like the idea, she would hex me into a pumpkin.'

'Can she?' Peter asked in awe.

'I'll bet she can. Especially if she wants to annoy me.'

'Your relationship sounds so nice', Peter said happily.

'I think I'm going to fly a little', I said and stood up.

*

I got to the common room before I could hear his steps behind me. The room was empty except few third-graders that were playing some play in front of the fireplace.

'The weather's grabby out there', Remus said.

I turned around and grimaced. 'Well, it's only snow. I think I can handle it.'

'Something wrong?'

'Not really. I'm just tired of hearing about Lily all the time. Or dating. Or having a girlfriend. Or making a girlfriend happy. Or having sex with your new girlfriend.' I sighed. 'I thought you were a little annoying when you started dating her, but James is hundred times worse.'

Remus smiled. He had one of his filthy pullovers that wouldn't have looked good on anyone. It was quite weird, him being so good at so many things and still he sucked at choosing what to wear. Years before he had looked like his mother had picked all his clothes, and well, probably she had, because when it had ended, he had just worn all those too big pullovers and straight trousers. They made him look always a little weird.

And I hadn't got an idea when I had began thinking that. I shook my head.

'Are you really going there?' he asked.

'Are you coming?'

He shrugged. 'Well, my girlfriend's somewhere with her friends and the rest of my friends are talking about when is the proper time to have sex with new girl. I don't think I'm going to miss anything.'

*

Of course, I had known that there would be snow outside, but I hadn't realize that there would be snow in the air, too. Unfortunately Remus was walking besides me and I couldn't back out, so I had to take a better grip of my broom and try. I made a few meters and came back down.

'This sucks', I said. 'Are you coming?'

He sat in front of me, grabbing the room quite tightly. Remus hadn't flown as much as me or James, and this time so weather was so bad that flying was even more difficult, so I practically had to hold him on the broom, but it worked surprisingly well. I was leading the broom and kept my eyes around Remus so that he couldn't fall by mistake, and he sat still and laughed sometimes, when the snow went straight onto his face.

We flew first a few times around the Quidditch patch and then towards the Forbidden Forest and eventually we went to peek to Gryffindor Tower but we couldn't find Sarah and James and Peter were exactly where we had left them. Remus tried to wave at them but they didn't see him.

'Wankers', I muttered almost to his ear, because he just happened to sit right there. 'They're probably planning how to get Lily done.'

'Well, James' been waiting for five years', Remus said. 'I can understand that's annoying.'

'I don't think he's annoyed, really. He's so daft about Lily, he would wait another five years.'

Remus inhaled deeply. I could almost feel it on my chest, because he was leaning to me. 'When are you?'

'What?'

'Are you planning to find someone? I haven't heard you'd done anything with any girl since the autumn and Susie Thomas. And still you claimed you were just friends.'

'Friends with benefits and that meant just some snogging', I said. For some reason my cheeks felt warm. 'And I'm not planning. I'm pretty sure I've told it already.'

'Don't you want to?'

I sighed. 'We're going back to the ground. I'm not going to talk to you if I can't see your face.'

Remus laughed and then screamed a little when I turned the broom into a steep landing. We ended up to the snow with our jackets and sleeves and shoes full of it. Remus was lying on his back and after a few snow balls we ended up looking at the sky. It was a bit weird, really, but I didn't want to care. My another option was to go and talk about shagging Lily Evans with James. It wasn't too hard to decide.

'Why aren't you talking about Sarah anymore? When you began seeing each other, you talked about her a lot.'

Remus closed his eyes. 'I don't know. It's not like I don't trust you. It's just… it's seems always a bit disturbing, having a girlfriend.'

'How?'

'Not when I'm with her, or… not usually… but when I'm with you. It's just another world. And Sarah doesn't belong there.'

I thought about it for a moment and then made a big snow ball and aimed it middle of Remus' face.

*

I was just about to open the bathroom door when I heard another door opening in the dormitory.

'There's no one here.' It was Sarah's voice, clear and quite nice, really, even though it usually annoyed me for some reason.

'I told you', Remus' voice answered her. 'Peter's gone to find Maria and Sirius and James are in the library.'

'Library?'

'Yeah. Doesn't happen often, you know. This one's a special case.'

I rolled my eyes. We had gone to the library, that was true, but Remus didn't know Lily had been sitting in a corner, reading something and looking apparently abnormally good, because James had forgotten me at the same moment when he had seen her. I knew when I had lost the game, and so I had come back to the dormitory.

I grabbed the door to open it, when Sarah went on. Something in her voice kept me still. 'And you think that's gonna make me forget? That we have this whole dormitory for us?'

'There's nothing to forget', Remus said, annoyed or worried, I couldn't decide, but somehow I felt I wouldn't be wanted to interrupt them just now. Hopefully Sarah would leave soon and I could get away from the bathroom.

'Yes, there is. Something's bugging you.'

Remus sighed loudly. 'No. Sarah, would you please listen to me? Nothing's wrong except the whole world and the war and things like that, but they have nothing to do with us. At the moment, I mean.'

'No, there's something else. I don't know if it's about me or something else, but you should tell me anyway!'

'There's nothing to tell!' Remus sounded like he was almost begging her. 'I don't know what I should tell you!'

'Well, maybe you should figure it out.' She was silent for a moment. 'And, Remus, if you think you can make me happy by making love with me, that's not gonna work out.'

Making love? I frowned, leaning against the door and trying to decide how I could get away. She couldn't mean that they would have sex, right now, when I could hear everything. That was just impossible. And I couldn't surely come out and let them realize that I had been listening to their discussion.

'I don't want to keep fighting', Remus said slowly. 'I don't even know why you're fighting.'

'You're pushing me away, Remus', Sarah said, her voice sad. 'You might not realize it, but you are. And I can't understand why.'

'And I can't understand why you would say that.'

'Is there someone else?'

Remus inhaled sharply. 'No! How could you even think so?'

'I didn't know…' Sarah mumbled. 'You're being so strange…'

They took a few steps. Maybe they were leaving.

'When you think they're coming back?' Sarah said.

Oh, no.

'Not soon', Remus said a bit hoarsely. 'Besides, I can lock the door.'

'There are socks over there.'

Remus was laughing quite weirdly. 'Probably James's. Don't care. You won't notice them.'

Sarah gasped and then there were more mumbling. I couldn't realize what they were saying, nor did I want to. Probably. I closed my eyes, as it could have helped me in any way, leaned against the door and tried to focus on something else, but it was just impossible. I could feel them stumbling across the door and there was a slight sound of something dropping, probably their clothes. Then there was a loud thump and a short burst of laughter and linens slipping onto the floor…

Oh, shit. Fuck. Fuck Remus Lupin. Wasn't he supposed to check the bathroom first? Or at least be… a bit more _quiet_?

There was nothing I could do. I couldn't escape. I didn't know if I even wanted to. I didn't want to puke or anything, I just felt… odd. Every little piece of me felt odd. They were quite loud, both of them, and I couldn't help myself from hearing all their voices.

And how long did it take? I tried to breathe steadily, pressing the back of my head against the door.

After a small eternity I heard Remus… make a voice, and then it became silent. I could hear both of them and myself breathing sharply, but that was everything. In a few minutes one stood up and was probably grabbing clothes from the floor and the other was apparently still lying on a bed (Merlin, _whose_ bed was it, anyway?) because there weren't any other noise.

'We aren't fighting anymore, are we?' Remus' tired voice asked.

'No', Sarah said shortly but not unfriendly. 'But you have to… make things clear. To yourself, at least. So that you can make me realize what you're up to.'

'I'm not - '

'Figure it out, Remus', she interrupted him. 'If you really don't know what's going on with you, you have to figure it out.' She took a deep breath. 'I'm going now.'

None of them said nothing more. I heard her close the door and began to wonder how long it would take for Remus to go away so that I could leave the bathroom, and I was probably thinking too hard, because I didn't hear him walking before he was trying to open the door.

The bathroom door. The door I was leaning against.

I swallowed hard.

'What…' he was muttering, kicking the door.

'Moony', I said, not really surprised to find out that my voice was cracking.

There was a short moment of silence. When he answered, his voice was calm. 'Sirius? What're you doing there?'

'I'm sorry', I said as quickly as I could. 'I wasn't trying to… listen to you or anything… but you began arguing right after you got in and then you went on and on and I thought you were going to leave soon, and I couldn't get away from here, and then you… well, you…'

I heard him take a deep breath. 'Open the door. Please.'

I opened it. My hands were shaking a bit, but not too badly, and then he was there, his light-brown hair messed and only wearing jeans. He looked awfully tired but not really angry. At least, he didn't look like he had wanted to kill me immediately.

'You were listening to us', he said slowly, standing in front of me. I wondered if I was supposed to stood up, too, but then he suddenly sat down onto the floor next to me, leaning against the doorjamb.

'I didn't mean to.'

'I know', he sighed. 'You… was it awkward?'

I frowned. 'You surely know better. You were there.'

He stared at me like I had been daft. 'Not sex. Listening to us. I can't imagine… if James did that with Lily and I was listening…'

I shrugged even though I was quite sure my cheeks were still all red. 'It… I… Dunno. Don't ask.'

'Well, that's probably better. I thought you were in library.'

'James met Lily there.'

'Oh.' He closed his eyes. 'Hell, I'm embarrassed. Were you sitting there all the time? We weren't too quiet, I think.'

'It sounded quite normal, really', I said, not sure what he wanted to hear. 'Don't worry about it. It's… it was… you know, I'm the one who will be having nightmares tonight. You don't have to worry. And next time I'm gonna come away from wherever I am at the same moment when I hear you arguing with Sarah.

He laughed a bit and then fell silent for a moment. 'Don't tell James or Pete, please. I don't want you to talk with them how I'm in bed.' He took a deep breath. 'Merlin, that sounded weird.'

I agreed to both of his statements. 'Er… what was Sarah talking about? That you're pushing her away?'

It took quite a long time for Remus to answer. 'I don't know. Honestly, I don't really know. She began to talk something like that right after Christmas Break, and I can't understand where it's coming from.'

'Do you think that it's… well, a werewolf thing?'

'Nope. I've been thinking about it, of course, but we've been dating since the last summer and I've been keeping that information from her ever since. However, she said nothing before we got back to the school after Christmas.'

'Maybe it's the… attack', I suggested carefully. 'You know, it was quite shocking… I've had quite a lot nightmares about it.'

'Me, too', he said. 'But I don't know. I don't think it's war, really, even though that was what I was trying to tell her. Maybe she's just imagining, after all. Or maybe she's the one who's weird.'

'But you still want to be with her.'

Remus closed his eyes. 'I like her, Pads. She's the nicest girl I've ever found.'

I couldn't understand why I didn't feel any happy for him. In fact, I felt quite… awful. 'So you just have to try to keep her, I guess. Er, I guess I'm gonna take a shower. Are you coming in or not?'

He smiled slightly, stood up and moved back to the dormitory letting the doorway free. I closed the door.

*

The shower didn't help. After getting back to the dormitory I felt just as frustrated and weird as I had before. Remus had gone and it wasn't hard to guess that he was somewhere whining because he was so fucking embarrassed because of me hearing how he had shagged her. Strangely enough, thinking of that made me feel even more frustrated. There was nothing wrong with Remus. I was the one who should have been crashing his head against the wall, but I was quite sure it wouldn't have helped me at all. And so I went for Susie.

She wasn't in the library, and so there were few places for me to look. I even considered trying kitchen, but I had never heard Susie going there on her own and so I dropped the idea. She was probably in her own common room or dormitory.

I couldn't feel my hands, when I reached the Ravenclaw tower. Finding the right window was hard enough, and then I had to manage with two of Susie's friends who were far too suspicious before they finally agreed to and check if she was in the common room.

I couldn't feel my feet, either, when she finally came and leaned to the windowsill.

'Sirius, what the fuck are you doing behind my window?'

Two big-eyed Ravenclaw girls were staring at me behind her. I shrugged. 'Just come here, please. I'll give you a ride.'

'It's fucking freezing out there.'

'Were aren't gonna fly long. Just to get out of here. Please.'

I was quite sure that she agreed because 'please' wasn't one of my favorite words. Anyway, she rolled her eyes but threw a quick glance at her friends and then climbed to sit on the broom in front of me. I hold her close and felt quite weird, but really, it was impossible to feel any weirder after hearing how Remus had come while shagging Sarah.

'What's wrong with you?' she asked when we had got away from the window and were landing quite fast. She actually sounded worried.

I swallowed. 'Please, don't hit me, but could I… could we shag?'

She froze. I bit my teeth and almost hoped I hadn't said anything, but then she finally relaxed and there was a short burst of laugher coming just out of the blue.

'Are you serious?'

'Yeah', I said. We had managed to reach the main door of the castle and she stepped off the broom. 'Sorry, I know I'm being a git. I just…'

'What? You're lacking some?'

'Today. Or, of course, I don't tend to get any since I'm not seeing anyone, but just now it's bothering quite hard.'

'Why?'

'I can't really tell', I sighed. 'Too weird. And embarrassing. But it's… Remus and Sarah.'

'You're still jealous?'

'Don't know. Susie, just say you won't do it so that I can take you back and forgot I ever came to beg you.'

'You're begging me?' she laughed a bit, but then got serious. 'You know, Sirius, there's nothing wrong with you and I like the fact that you were daft enough to ask. Where will we go? To your dormitory?'

I blinked. 'You're saying yes?'

'Are you taking back your offer?'

'No, Merlin, no.' I had to laugh. She was staring at me her arms crossed on her very nice chest and I was beginning to feel so much more normal. 'But we can't go to my dormitory. Not today. It's just… impossible.'

'I don't like corridors.'

'Library?'

She rolled her eyes. 'You aren't even allowed to speak aloud there. I guess shagging is forbidden, too.'

'Well, you're probably right. Are your friends staying in your dormitory?'

'For sure. They're waiting for you to return me using the window. You've got to figure out something better.'

My mind was empty of all the ideas. It was probably mostly due to the fact that she was beginning to seem more and more appealing every moment and it made me feel enormously normal. Her reddish blond hair was falling to her face and shoulders and her lips were quite pale, since it was cold and she hadn't got a jacket. I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her.

*

I lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling above me and trying to forget the feeling that every herb was staring at me and planning to strangle me. Besides that, a greenhouse was quite a perfect place. It was warm there and, what was more important, no one was going to interrupt us.

I could feel Susie's hand lying heavily against my stomach. I stroked her hair slowly and enjoyed the feeling when her bare legs touched mine. She sighed when I let my hands wander across her belly and then up to the breasts.

'Your way of solving problems is absolutely stupid, Sirius', she mumbled, sounding quite pleased. 'Really. You ought to figure out a better way.'

'This is just nice', I said, drawing slow circles across her chest. 'Or do you disagree?'

'Not really. But you don't always have friends who are willing to shag you when you feel you need some.'

'Friends with benefits', I said slowly.

'Is that what's disturbing you? That your friends are dating and they aren't there for you? And you have to come to beg me?'

I tensed. 'You're daft. Really.'

'What happened with Remus and Sarah today?'

I closed my eyes, trying to decide how much to say. 'Well, I kind of…interrupted them.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah.'

She stroked my chest lazily. 'Don't you have anyone you'd really fancy? Someone to try to hit on and not just come to ask if she slept with you?'

'No. Really. There's just my friends.'

'Well, if you love them enough you don't maybe need anyone else.'

I sighed and felt her skin tense against my touch. 'Yeah, I don't. Except sometimes.'

'You'll eventually want someone whom you can love all the time.'

I bit my lip. 'What's this? We didn't use to have this thorough conversations after a shag before.'

She leaned to her elbows so that she could see my face. Her cheeks were still a bit blushed. 'We aren't dating anymore and neither of us misses it, and still you're coming to me for sex. Something's wrong, Sirius.'

'Well, sometimes it feels that everything's wrong', I said, wrapping my arms around her bare shoulders. 'And I can't figure out anything. It's just how things are now. And I can't see how it's wrong for us to be friends and shag if we want to.'

Susie shook her head. 'You're right. And I'm talking too much, anyway, and I'm getting cold. What's the time?'

'Don't care', I said, pulling her closer.


	10. Snapping and Stumbling

**A/N: **Thank you so much for the comments! And honestly, I didn't have an idea that it had been so long since I last time updated this. I really hope you haven't forgotten the story!

To answer briefly to your comments, well, I don't honestly know how long it will take for them to realize what's going on… I just hope it will happen eventually! **Muhaaauder**, thanks for mentioning about those mistakes with "her" and "his". Well, theoretically I know quite well how they should be used, but I mess up with them all the time, since in Finnish we don't have different forms for masculine and feminine ones and that's probably why I just don't notice those mistakes without really concentrating on it. Of course, I should concentrate and try hard to spot those mistakes, but I'm just a bit lazy, I guess… And **Bluestocking Suffragette**, thank you for a long comment, I was really happy to read it! It was especially great to read what you said about characters. I guess I haven't thought about them that way before, but it was interesting to read your thoughts. And yeah, I'll try to get this story to a proper end! I don't tend to leave stories unfinished, so there's hope for this one, too :)

*

**Chapter 10: Snapping and Stumbling**

When I returned to the dormitory, they were all sleeping. I had taken Susie to the Ravenclaw tower by broom and kissed her before she climbed inside, and all that had felt so hugely normal, like I had been in love with her and we had been to start dating soon. But when I got back to my own dormitory and saw the others sleeping, I felt almost as weird as I had before.

James was mumbling something about Evans and flowers and double bed and I really didn't want to know more about his dreams. Peter was hugging his sheets tightly, but looked quite comfortable, anyway. And Remus was lying on his back. For a moment I thought he was awake and was staring at the ceiling, but when I went a little closer I saw that his eyes were closed and he was breathing very steadily. Besides, had he been awake, he would have asked me why I was staring at him. So I went to my own bed and tried to sleep.

I woke up with a fuzzy feeling that someone was glaring at me. When I managed to get one of my eyes open, I saw Remus sitting on his bed his hair all messed and eyes quite tired.

'They've left for breakfast', he said when I let my gaze wander across the empty room. 'I thought I'd take care that you don't sleep until the breakfast's over and you won't have any and will be pain in someone's arse for the whole day.'

I rolled my eyes. 'You didn't have to. I'm planning to do that, anyway.'

'Fuck, I should have believed James, then', he said. Then his voice got more serious and he turned to stare the wall above me. 'Did you sleep well?'

'Not quite.'

'Nightmares?'

I frowned and blushed, but hoped that he didn't see it, since he was observing the hole in the wall quite intensively. 'Well, a few. Or I don't know if you can call them nightmares, anyway.'

He looked at me almost shocked. 'What? You really dreamt about… it? Me and Sarah, well…?'

I shrugged. 'I don't know. They weren't that clear, nightmares, I mean. You don't have to worry about it, Moony. I'm fine. I'm a big boy, I can handle it.'

'I can't.'

'I know.' I closed my eyes for a second. 'But, well, that will happen again, you know. Or it might happen with James and Lily, too, but eventually something like that will happen. You can't have both a girlfriend and best friends without them crashing into each other.'

'Yeah, but still…' Remus swallowed and looked like he decided something. Probably not to bring the subject again. 'Well, where were you? After you went for a shower?'

I choked. 'Er, I was… quite… messed up.'

He stared at me intensively, and it didn't help at all. 'What do you mean? What have you done? Is it Mrs. Norris again?'

'No, I swear', I said quickly, biting my lip. 'I just… well, I went for Susie and shagged her. In the greenhouse.'

Remus looked shocked. 'What?'

'I went for - '

'No, I'm just trying to… get all the pieces together. You heard me and Sarah have sex and right after that you went to find Susie, who you don't date or anything, for a shag? Why?'

'I…', I began, but couldn't find a proper way to say it. 'Merlin, Remus, you can use your own brain. Figure it out. I really need that breakfast.'

'You should probably put some clothes on at first', he said absently when I stood up and left for the door.

After a few minutes we were sitting in Great Hall, eating breakfast. James was kissing Lily like he had been starving and had unfortunately forgotten that then one needs food, not a girl. And as the natural consequence of that, Peter looked like he was ready to vomit every time he looked at them, and tried to hide it by eating more. Remus was staring at the ceiling and thinking hard. I could see it from his forehead.

And I was eating porridge, trying to understand why my odd feeling had returned. I didn't really know what Susie would say, if I came to her this soon again.

*

I was quite sure I hadn't paid much attention when Remus and James had been discussing how Sarah and Lily didn't like each other, but this evening even I could see that. We were sitting around the table in the common room. Remus was making his homework, Lily and Peter were playing the Wizard Chess, James was stroking Lily's red hair and Sarah was reading a book leaning against Remus, back of her head against Remus' shoulder.

'We should do something else', Peter said after losing the second match. 'For Merlin's sake, it's Friday night and we're sitting in the common room!'

James nodded but looked completely satisfied with his hand on Lily's shoulder. 'You think we should go to Hogsmeade? It's probably snowing out there.'

'A bit of snow won't kill you', Pete snapped. 'Really, we spent the last Friday night this way, too.'

'There's nothing wrong with not breaking rules in Friday night', Lily said, but didn't sound very angry. It had probably something to do with James, whose fingers were now running on her cheeks.

Sarah snorted.

'Sorry?' Lily said.

'Just wondering', said Sarah, her voice calm but I could see Remus squeezing her wrist slightly. 'It's not like they're doing something dangerous when they visit Hogsmeade.'

'Well, _I_ don't think I'm a better person to decide about that than our headmaster is', Lily snapped.

'Are you always that tense?' asked Sarah, smiling sweetly. Remus took a better grip of her shoulders, like trying to keep her from standing up and getting into a fight with Lily.

Lily threw a glance at Sarah. To be honest, I was totally on Lily's side. Sarah was annoying, especially now when Remus was moving his fingers slowly on her neck.

'James, I'm off', Lily said through her teeth. 'Will you come?'

'Lily, please', James said quietly, stroking her back. 'We have nowhere to go. We don't need to patrol before it's nine or ten and it's too cold outside.'

'Let's go to Hogsmeade', Lily said.

Sarah smiled and for a moment I wanted to hit her. It was quite surprising. 'So, you changed your mind, then?'

'No, I just got tired with someone's voice', Lily snapped.

'It's snowing', James muttered. 'We could go to our dormitory.'

I glanced at Remus, who looked back at me and then blushed.

'Hogsmeade sounds fine', said Peter, standing up. 'I need some fire whiskey and we haven't seen madam Rosmerta since Christmas break began. I'm going.'

'Well, I guess that's it, then', James said and stood up to wrap his arms around Lily's waist.

'I'm coming, too', I said. There was no way I could stay and sit alone in our dormitory. I still had some far too animated pictures in my mind, and Sarah and Remus practically lying above each other on the couch didn't really help.

Remus threw a quick glance at Sarah. 'I guess I should go, too. They're right, we haven't been there for a long time.'

'Then I'm coming, too.'

Lily's mouth tightened immediately. I wanted to hit someone, but couldn't decide whom.

*

'What's wrong with them?'

Remus didn't answer my question but kept staring at the wall that didn't really look so appealing to me. It was as brown as wood usually was and had some strange spots on it. Lily was sitting on James' lap and letting him to stroke her legs, which was quite uncommon for her. Sarah was staring at her glass and Peter had disappeared a while ago.

Finally, Remus shrugged. 'I don't know, really. Maybe they're only in a bad mood.'

'And keep on trying to bite each others' heads off? Shut up, Moony.'

'Well, I don't really know', he whispered back at me, when Sarah went to ask for another glass of fire whiskey. 'When it comes to Sarah, I think something's bugging her, anyway.'

'Have you shagged since that?'

He rolled his eyes. He didn't look annoyed, though. He was probably getting wasted.

'Maybe you should talk to her.'

'She just keeps saying that something's wrong and that I'm keeping something from her', Remus whispered, leaning his forehead against his hands. His shoulders were tense, I could see it, and he looked pale and tired. 'Well, I am, but I don't think that's the problem now. There's something else, and I can't see what it is.'

I wanted to tell him to break up with her right away and not bother to think her at all, but of course I couldn't.

'I don't know if I can do this, Padfoot', he said slowly. 'Mind getting me another?'

'A girl?'

'Fire whiskey', he corrected, not bothering to laugh. 'Please.'

I went to buy one for him. After thirty minutes he was drunk.

*

The moon was quite big. I wondered if Remus had noticed it, too, because to me it was almost shouting the fact that full moon was only a week away now. But I didn't mention it, of course. I just made sure that I walked a bit closer to Moony and Sarah, who had wrapped herself to him, pretending to make him walk straight but anyone could see that she was really just trying to get to his pants.

I snorted. I couldn't see how I had ever found Sarah Jones fascinating or appealing. Now her brown hair was falling to her face and she was stumbling a little, even though not as much as Moony, and she looked enormously tired. I didn't understand what Remus saw in her. Remus should have had someone far better.

'Pads?' James was laughing. 'Don't walk to a tree, please.'

'Am not planning to', I denied. James should have just kept his mouth shut, since he was already hugging Lily tightly and that was clearly enough to make him happy. There was no reason for him to bother me.

'Is Remus alright?' Lily muttered to James. 'He's quite…'

'Drunk?' James suggested, laughing again. 'Don't worry. He'll be fine for tomorrow. Or not for tomorrow morning, but in the afternoon he will be just fine.'

'I never thought I would see Remus Lupin drunk', Lily said quietly.

'I never thought I would see you coming to Hogsmeade with us', James said.

'Me, neither.'

'Was it that bad?'

'I'm going to go and tell everything to McGonagall right in the morning', Lily promised but her voice was quite cheerful.

'You'll fall with us, dear', James said.

'I'll tell her I saw you going and followed you. Or that you kidnapped me.'

'I love you', James said.

The words kept bouncing in my mind. I heard Lily stumbling and stopping and wanted to wait for them and hear what they would say, but Remus was still walking and of course I couldn't leave him to that stupid Jones. I hardly heard Lily gasping and then saying something in a low voice, but I totally heard the kiss.

I didn't really know when we got back to the castle but somehow we ended up being there, probably thanks to Peter who explained something to Fat Lady and got us all in quite fast. I walked straight to the nearest couch and fell onto it.

'What's the time?' I heard Lily asking. She sounded quite happy.

'Around midnight', James answered. He sounded totally happy.

'I don't think I can get sleep yet', Lily claimed. 'I probably ought ot stay for a few minutes.'

'Same with me', James said immediately. 'We should probably sit down.'

After a few seconds they were lying on a couch. Lily's eyes were closed and she was holding James' hand that had been wrapped around her.

'Would someone take Remus upstairs?' Sarah asked warily. Remus was staring at the floor and leaning against her. 'I guess I'm gonna go to sleep now.'

Peter stepped forward to hold Remus, but I caught him first. Sarah threw a quick glance at me, probably thinking that I couldn't manage with him as well as her. I watched the girl kissing Remus quickly on his cheek and then going away.

We managed to get Remus to our dormitory. Peter hold the door open and I dragged him inside, and then Peter had already disappeared to the bathroom and I pushed Remus to his bed.

He lay still, staring at the ceiling. His pullover was wrinkled and there was a wide piece of his stomach on sight. I wanted to touch scars that were going across the pale skin.

'I don't wanna go', he said.

I blinked. 'Moony? I thought you weren't conscious anymore.'

'Am conscious enough. I don't like drinking that much', he said slowly.

I bit my lip. 'What did you say? You don't wanna go? Where?'

'At all', he sighed, closing his eyes. 'Not go. Not leave. Don't leave, Pads.'

'I'm not leaving anywhere', I promised. His brown hair was falling to his eyes and threw shadows to his face. I wondered if that stupid Jones realized what she had got.

'Me, neither', he said. 'Really. I don't want to. I don't want this to end. Us. I don't want to leave Hogswarts.'

I swallowed. 'That's going to happen eventually, you know.'

'Don't want to.'

There was some noise when Peter entered the room. His eyebrows rose but I just shrugged and he nodded and went straight to his bed. After a few minutes I thought I heard him breathing steadily like he had already fallen asleep.

Remus wasn't. He was totally awake, and when I watched him I saw that he was staring back at me.

'Nothing will change', I said to him. 'Really. We'll get off from here but there will be something else. We'll go somewhere and James will marry Lily and they'll have plenty of kids that are annoying us until we're death.'

'I won't marry Sarah.'

'You don't have to', I said. I had somehow wrapped my fingers around his wrist and was playing with light scars on his arm, but I didn't know if he noticed it. 'You can break up with her. It's okay.'

'I like her.'

'Yeah.' I swallowed. 'You're drunk, Moony. You shouldn't be thinking this much.'

'I'm not gonna catch sleep.'

'You're. I promise. Just close your eyes.'

He did. I patted him slightly on the shoulder and then found my fingers going through his messy hair. He inhaled deeply and after a few minutes I was quite sure that he was asleep. I stayed for a while, sat on his bed and watched him sleeping, until James came and fell to his own bed. I had to visit bathroom before I could get any sleep myself.

I had a dream about Remus and Sarah. Except Sarah.


End file.
